contemplating complicity…

the tension continues. i want to own my shadow and see what voices i marginalize within myself. who cares about the animals that grow up in tiny cages in a sunless factory their whole lives until slaughter to become a pork sandwich? if you can eat the tortured life of a sentient being you have a shadow. if you can use a cell phone made by a man who spends twelve hours a day in an overheated factory making cell phones before walking to a bunk bed to sleep before waking up to do it all again day after day, you have a shadow. so many of us are mistreated and also, how and who do we mistreat? this is on my mind. who do i mistreat and what aspects of myself do i mistreat? care is what i care about. i want to care for all sentient life. i stopped being vegan and went back to being a no eggs and some fish vegetarian because it got too hard for me. so now i mistreat animals again, unless i am sure the fish is wild caught and cheese coming from happy cows. but i live in the city and know this is not happening. baby steps. i am sure most clothes on my body have been made by people being treated like near slaves as i buy cheap clothing made in factories because i don’t have a lot of money. i think about myself first in both these food and clothing circumstances. this is shadow. i mistreat myself too but i am not as interested in that aspect this morning. lately i have been caring for myself pretty well. i am working on nurturing. what i see as my current task is to learn how to love myself and all of sentient life with care and if i lack care, to be aware and have compassion for what i am not capable of yet. to have compassion for limitation. i want to look at my shadow without judging my shadow versus avoiding my shadow and projecting it onto the shadows in the outside world. i want to look at my privilege without judging my privilege versus denying it and projecting it onto those more privileged than me. this courage, transparency, honesty, and openness is my medicine. the crashing of pedestals and the healing of hell. not having enough, not being good enough, feeling helpless, disempowered and self absorbed by stress and pain…these internal experiences allow us to unconsciously walk on the heads of others because we are walking on our own heads because our heads have been walked on. what is not healed within the self is projected from our own perception onto others. also, how many of us would stop eating meat if we took a tour of a factory farm and witnessed the pain of the animals? how many of us would stop buying slave labor products if we took a tour of these factories and witnessed the way our fellow humans were living? how many of us would care about other lives if we experienced these lives somatically. it’s much easier to unconsciously consume when tortured animals and mistreated humans are only a mental concept. i don’t mean to sound judgmental toward meat eaters or consumers. i am in this with everyone else and seek awareness minus the judgement. the point i am stressing is that we all take part of this complicit and global consumer culture we live in. none of us are pure and free of harming other life, unless you live off-grid raising your own animals and making your own clothes, not using products made in factories, not using a cell phone or computer, removed from culture completely. our global consumer culture is complicit by nature and the spectrum of cruelty depends upon the owners of the products. if every owner cared about the earth, animals, consumer, and employees, everything would be different. you get my drift here. we are complicit partakers of a culture that objectifies sentient life and to many degrees, tortures sentient life. all we see as consumers is the bright shiny package encasing the cool thing we want or the yummy sandwich we enjoy eating. this is the reality. what are we going to do with it? taking some time to reflect upon this reality and to digest my own shadow. i do not want to come across as self righteous. i am as complicit as everyone else. i want to steep in compassionate awareness until i can take the next step from a place of love…

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