not feeling like blogging blog…

blogging is hard again this morning due to school and yesterdays intense day of group. i feel depleted. strange to be so deeply invested in something powerful while the inauguration happened and again today, while the march happens. i feel far away from what this country is doing in resistance while i am in school to learn how to be a leader for these coming times. the word leader pinging all of us wounded children in a bad way and how i let go of my resistance to it yesterday. but i don’t want to talk about what is happening in school in blog. too personal and all i got are snippets. i feel exhausted thinking about the year ahead. she said don’t underestimate the power of authentic desire. dreaming two nights in a a row of men. the right man and i am mess. the wrong man and i am good to go. the off feeling when i am strong and the on feeling when i am weak. i believe this proves to me that love is not waiting for me to be perfect and strong. he is going through his own journey while i go through mine and eventually our paths will meet. this goes deeper than authentic desire into soul hunger. i keep seeing a us and a house and trees. i keep feeling the contentment. i keep thinking about my vedic chart and feeling more akin to it lately. i do gravitate toward certain traditions. i do want to be married in a monogamous relationship and to live in a house outside the city. i am not resisting this anymore. does not mean i am brainwashed or not good enough when i desire what is traditional. honoring who i am. got a rule breaker in me in many other ways. not all one thing. not all one way. yesterday when i got home i did bask in the new president feeling and got chills up my spine, felt loss, and chaos rise. not gonna lie. the emotional heat is turned way up. my tummy flares with pain. i don’t like this or want this and yet the is the name of the game. ok, time to get dressed…

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