ode to sorrow and true essence…

dreams of fear, death, despair last night. two friends gone missing, not being able to find my way home in an uber and the friend i am reaching out not responding to my text. two nights this week i have dreamed about this friend and in both he is associated with finding home. why? i have not seen him in a long time. the dream ego reveals what the waking ego is repressing. i am not fully feeling the fear about what it is to come and despair of what is happening in this land, nor am i feeling the estrangement that stems from not being able to find home. i am aware though. each evening i find myself basking in loneliness and surreality. it is not my soul that is lonely. my animal self is lonely. i don’t feel like i am in the right place and not sure where the right place is even though i have lived in this home for over five years now. i am in such a liminal space. walking on a tightrope. asking for ease because i believe there can be ease. ease is an emotional flavor. interesting when you pay attention to the sayings we all say, over and over. life is hard being an example. the emotional body can change that tone without the physical events changing. does not mean there wont be sorrow, anger, loss, frustration, confusion, etc. i am only saying that a human being is capable of being at ease with these emotional experiences, for it is not the physical experiences that hurt, only the emotional experiences. if we did not have the ability to have emotions, we would not respond to events the same way. our feelings are a gift, a tool, a medium. the loneliness i am feeling is specific for home. i could easily be out at community workshops or meeting with friends in the evening, it’s not about that. i choose to stay home alone because i need solitude to regenerate. it’s a feeling i cannot explain, this loneliness. a feeling of not being planted in the right spot. i am not the only one to feel this. home is an essential feeling though we don’t really have a word for that feeling. this is not about security or luxury, it is about a feeling of rightness and of sanctuary. i bless the home i am in now, it’s been so good to me. i have peace here even though i live in the middle of the city. i can no longer afford it and need to move on financially anyhow. nothing feels right yet. i wish i was with my partner and could live with him. or i wish i could live in a community house with people that felt right to live with. or i wish to find my own one bedroom apartment i can afford. or perhaps one roommate where we may live in harmony. home is very important to me. this year is challenging on so many levels. i am unable to be in vegas to help my folks because of school and internship and i continually feel sad about this and doubt my decision to stay in seattle and go to school. this is the part where i wanna say life is hard, but can i be at ease with being torn? being torn is a natural human condition, people are torn all the time. how to be at ease with emotional experiences that feel fragmented or off, scary or despairing? for me, it’s not about being able to create space through meditation and calm my nervous system through presence and somatic awareness. those two elements reach the mind and body. but what about the heart? there is a genuine sorrow in my heart that keeps wanting to confiscate ease, but may i be at ease with this genuine sorrow? some of us love to frolic and play like faerie creatures. i am not one of those types. i am the type who loves to gaze into sky while listening to a sad and beautiful song. i am only trying to make a point that for some of us, sadness is a love. god, that makes me sound so goth but i don’t mean to, really. i cannot shut off the water valve of sorrow always present in my heart. sure, some of the sorrow is about painful experiences in my own life that still are not healed and singe with desire for redemption. but even so….even if i heal these wounds fully, the water valve of sorrow may not stop watering this heart of mine. too much in this world is sad and the sorrow comes from love. in some ancient myth isn’t there a tale of a woman whose tears creates a sacred lake? does sorrow have to be this thing to resist, an aversion, or something hard? i don’t think so. it all comes back to to my signature purpose in this life about being my true essence and serving the true essence of every individual by bringing it out and honoring it. whose to say sorrow cannot be true essence? on the tree of life sorrow is the virtue of binah. binah is all about form. the container. endless vast undefined oneness manifesting as form. with form comes sorrow because form instantly creates limitation, which heads down to geburah on the tree but i don’t want to get into all of that. i am binah and sorrow is a beautiful river…

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