don’t promise me a projection…

last night i went on my first online date in a really long time and it was nuts. before meeting, we’d only chatted sparsely online about metaphysical topics and we got along in that regard, as we both are into astrology and the spiritual realms. i did not want anymore online connecting because it’s never the same in person. never. anyhow, we meet, walk to a cafe, get drinks and sit down. as we are on line we discuss who are guides are, it’s going straight into the metaphysical and i mention just wanting to get to know each other on the ground. we sit down and i tell him about my journey into grad school. after i was done speaking he just looks at me with a blank stare and not a word. i ask him about his work to stop the silence. he answers short and seems annoyed with my questions and again i get that stare from him and it feels uncomfortable. i go to blow my nose and upon return he tells me that one of his guides just said i was a soulmate of his. he says he can see some of the same facial expression in me that are in him. that’s when my belly inflamed and i knew this was not a good situation for me. i respond too polite with, “ok, i can see what you mean, we are both healers,” trying to keep it logical. next thing, he tells me that we need to overcome our mercury issues and he senses judgement and criticism. when i ask him to be specific he seems annoyed and says that will only get in the way, something like that. i am getting upset but i do not excuse myself. the conversation quickly escalates into an argument. i try to explain that i am not understanding him , that i need specifics, and that it’s just a difference in our communication styles, not a bad thing. he tries to explain to me that it’s a mercury issue we need to overcome and that he doesn’t need specifics. i mean, the whole conversation was nuts. we were flat out fighting like a couple whose been together for years with him using metaphysical language as a means to be defensive and project his agenda telling me i am the one being judgmental, doubting him and that i am the one with an agenda because i want to talk about grounded topics in get specifics. it’s hard to sum up because the adrenaline was flooding in me and i don’t recall the conversation clearly. i was in full defense mode and aware of it but yet i did not stop it and leave, i kept trying to create harmony. i must have told him that i am not doubting him four times and that i think we are just incompatible and this is ok, we just met, it’s just an online date, but my way of communicating only made it worse. he kept saying i was doubting him. he wanted connection. all he could discuss was mercury and his spirit guides, and our “usness”. i wondered if he was mentally ill because of how fixated he seemed. fixated, controlling, and acting as if we already had a relationship and he knew how we needed to heal it. i felt like i had fallen into a strange rabbit hole. it was hard to keep my ground but i did. i did not allow him to convince me that i was doubting him, that i had an agenda i needed to get rid of in order to overcome our mercury issue. at one point i said it was comical how this was happening. i truly was in shock at how nutty the interaction was. he did not like that and i can understand why. he was taking it very seriously and there i was turning it into a comedy. in truth i felt really upset and i did not know i could just get up and leave. he was the one who got up in a huff and left. thank goddess. finis. soon as he left the shock took hold. i felt shaken to my core. what the hell just happened? grace. the woman sitting next to us confessed she couldn’t help but listen in and that i did good holding my ground. she said he was almost attacking me, not listening to me and trying to mansplain everything. i was in deep gratitude for her reassurance because for a moment i wondered…was it me? that’s the lesson. it was not me. it was him. and this lesson is in the hearts of many men and women. how many of us need to learn how to say, “it’s you, not me,” and to learn how to walk away. took me a long time to recover from the adrenaline rush and shock, like a few hours. i headed over to my friends house and she gave some astrological insight about how i need to be more like an aries to balance out all my libra tendencies to focus on the other. she asked why i did not just get up and walk away. i knew it was because i don’t have the neural pathway ingrained to do so. it’s not in “my nature”. i knew in that moment i need to create that neural pathway and being like an aries is the tool. i was not expecting the meet the love of my life on this date, but i sure as hell was not expecting to slide right into crazy town. it triggered many experiences with ex boyfriends where i was not heard or understood or where i was asking for a need to be met or explaining myself and they don’t see my innocence. they see me as mean mommy, a cruel woman, or somebody wanting to attack their character. i know in the extreme, this is what the narcissist does. not sure i have been with narcissists per se, but i have attracted men who have been burned by women and have projected like crazy onto me. i never questioned though, what if they were only saying they were burned by women? what if they were narcissists who projected onto these women and told themselves it was the women burned them? i will never know but the question is new. either way it goes like this: low self worth me attracted men who can prove to me that i am not worthy of being heard. only some men have been this, i have had some wonderful men as lovers too. it’s been a mixed bag. now that i have healed mostly from low self worth i sat before a very blatant, even parody level of this behavior and i did not fall for it. it was shocking and strange but i did not take it personal. a part of me wants to go down the path of how i have no luck with love, but that neural pathway is way too cemented. i am not gonna take that pathway anymore. mutual love will arrive one of these days. the right man will own his projections when he has them, as i will own mine when i do it. we will authentically connect, respect, reflect, and create a sustainable relationship that grows us as individuals and as a couple. real intimacy is coming no matter how many times i sit before the wrong man. on my way out of the cafe the woman spoke logical truth to me again. she said dating is about statistics, you gotta get ten bad ones to have two good ones. i like her neural pathway, it is logical and hopeful. i wont give up and lose hope. i am choosing how i navigate through dating and not victim to disappointment. i don’t want to slander the guy either. we all deserve love and healing. may he find is way through the jungle too. onward….

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