sunrise writing into the moon…

my dreams are a wash. wish i could remember them. slept extra hard, probably due to the intense stuff happening in my life. a needed rest. a needed zone out last night too, like a rest button was pushed. i am learning that if i keep showing up with full emotional presence that it’s hard in terms of the emotional ride my body goes on throughout the day, but what gets easier is how nothing is stored up inside of me by the end of the night. no stories, no emotions, no nothing. i am a clean slate by bedtime and it’s helping me sleep. being emotionally present basically means being vulnerable and turning vulnerability into a strength. there are all sorts of escape hatches when one feels emotional. some escape hatches are: sarcasm, spaciness, indecision, wit, pride, projecting what you are experiencing onto another, being mean, being victim (unless you are being victimized in the moment), wanting to die, fantasizing. i am leaving out the biggies which are addiction and distraction, but that’s only cause i am working on the more subtle planes. also, there is a book called, “handbook to higher consciousness” that talks about thought addictions and i relate very much. i have no addiction to substances but i see some strong thought addictions i am asking the divine to remove. it’s amazing how the alcoholics anonymous book has helped me even though i am not an alcoholic. started reading it to understand people in recovery better and it went directly into my heart. i was reading it the same time i was reading the red book, specifically the part about killing the hero archetype and respecting limitation. goes hand in hand. upon reading, i realized where i was powerless and limited and no longer took responsibility for something very serious i have dealt with my whole life that has brought destruction to my life over and over. recovery can be from mental health issues too, in terms of giving the divine power to take away what i cannot. for me, spirituality is what heals. i do both though. i use both psychological and metaphysical methods to work on myself. i use cognitive-behavioral, systems, depth, and narrative psychology, astrology, tarot, shamanic journeying, creativity, crystals and herbs. these tools are powerful medicines in my life. yet nothing compares to the power of surrendering to the divine, for me. both hold sacred space in my heart. though reality check is that i could lose all my sacred tools and only give it up to the divine and be just fine, but i cannot let go of surrendering to the divine and only work with my sacred tools. i would not be fine if i did that. it’s like, the sacred tools help me to meaning-make the story of my soul, they help me to regulate my somatic experience, to fine tune and evolve my consciousness. it’s something i enjoy and a creative expression for me, to turn pain into wisdom and suffering into love. to meaning-make with the stars above. while surrendering to the divine is more like, what it is and who i am. the baseline. the reality. the safety net. the identity. hard to put into words. wow, the moon is still out and it’s 8 am. i am literally staring at a glowing white gibbous moon hovering in a soft blue sky above snow capped mountains bathed in peach colored sunrise light as a seagull flies back and forth between the the city buildings. how lucky am i? this view is worth the dirty walls. a mammoth yellow crane sits same height as the moon and i watching it slowly twist back and forth. surreal. when i leave this place, i will hunger for this view. this view has become my home and a refuge…

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