how it feels from above and below…

a lot at once. none of it i wish to talk about here in blog, too private, but it’s a lot. this is why my current mode is to be with my feelings and be present. nothing else. not trying to fix, solve, rationalize, manipulate, or analyze. only showing up with love because when pluto things are happening, when illness and loss roll in from the mystery, the best i can do is be present and loving. staring into the snow capped mountains rising gracefully under a sheer blue sky, i surrender the question why. i surrender questions. raw like an oyster without a shell, able to be eaten or squashed by whomever and yet feeling protected by the divine. trusting life. there’s a big different between pain and loss and success and achievement when viewed by the ego-mind. the ego-mind fears the former and craves the latter. the ego-mind creates walls to never have to climb over, as if it can shut out the shadowy side of life, clinging desperately to the light side of life. this is not a refuge for me and i make a choice to dwell in the soul-mind. the soul-mind does not fear loss and crave success. the soul-mind notices a qualitative difference between the two but treats the differences as equal lessons. maybe lesson is an overused word, not the right word for the times. what is a better word? equal….experiences. to not qualify pain and and loss as bad or success and achievement as good…is hard, rare, strange to the western mind. i am noticing myself. as i let go of my own judgments and clinging, arrive into the moment with my emotions authentic and expressing…i feel love and this love feels like something valuable i do not have words to describe. it is feeling that is neither happy or sad, good or bad. it’s a feeling of …..(no words). this is how it goes when language has not been invented yet to describe a quality of experience. this is why i paint. but i have not made art in ages. i don’t feel it right now. i don’t have paints or canvas right now. there is loss here too. artistic loss. i am in a strange place. i feel a ton of creativity coursing through these veins, yet no impetus to put brush to paper. maybe i need a new medium? maybe i need to return to water colors? the mountain is shining brightly right now. looking at me with eyeless peace. i have little else to share. i am in a snow globe of an experience i know is universal and yet a glass bubble surrounds me, for some reason. my dreams were wild and destructive last night. i think this dive into chaos has only just begun. jung, you are my lighthouse…

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