boy that full moon nabbed my heart alright. i don’t want to go into the details here. too personal and too embarrassing, but lets just say it has been a long while since i have experienced one of those melt downs. i tried to read jung’s red book but only got a paragraph in before the melt down began. of course the paragraph was about melting down. it’s like jung is my gatekeeper. and so i dove into a familiar chaos. stayed alert throughout the melt down but barely…barely. sorrow confiscated my heart. aloneness gripped my mind. the ice cold city streets payed me no mind and i was unaffected by the weather right back at it. these city streets hold all of my stories. the sidewalks on pike and pine know me better than i know myself. when i got home i did everything right to take care of this body like a mommy and by nine thirty the swim into chaos soup was completed. the full moon put me to bed in seconds until i woke to her glimmering face staring at me through the 5:24 am window on the other side of the chaos swim, cleaner and more astute. when life continues to deny you of certain essentials you can take a few different routes. you can fall into pity soup or anger flames. you can build strong walls and play reindeer games. you can exalt the mind onto a mountain and act like you got it all under control. you can pretend it’s not happening and distract with your persona role. me, i choose to dive into chaos soup when the feelings flood my consciousness like the nile flooding egypt. it’s not easy to breast stroke through chaos without stories. to let the self be naked and dark blue. to allow sorrow to be pure as maple syrup. to allow no solutions inside to puff the ego with pride. to be free of design flaws as self love allows the vulnerability to swell. no better time than the cancer full moon when you can rest assured mommy moon will take care of you. she told me it was a test and the logical mind began to return to the feelings to make sense of the pattern on repeat. back to the upper world. back to solutions, control, rationality, and psychological techniques to keep the ego balanced. gotta juggle, you know? give the soul time to roll around in the dark blue mud of chaos and then give the ego a badge for being so brave. the badge looks like a solution. this helps the ego gage the present moment with some reasonable form of palpable confidence. make both worlds happy, the realm of ego and the realm of soul. this is love and how to grow. looking back on last night, i see how me and pan are right with each other. how i can dip into the underworld for a swim and not get stuck there or misunderstand what is happening. progress. looking on the bright side. turning denial into creative journeying. turning pain into healing. somatically retraining the mind, creating new neural pathways…the work is never ending. i keep seeing beautiful earthly landscapes in my mind. peaceful landscapes. no thoughts, only beauty. desert rocks, ocean shores, mountain tops, the peace of nature….bring me a higher love…bring me a higher love, oh oh….