coming to the naked mirror…looking

the full moon in cancer is happening at 3:34 am this coming night and i am feeling it. feeling moody and tender and annoyed and slender. not slender, it just rhymed. but maybe i am feeling slender after all, as feelings are not sticking. each time a feeling rises up in my heart, it recedes. like the tides of the sea that are governed by the moon that are governed by cancer. facebook is in an uproar of grief about saying goodbye to obama and preparing to have the collective shadow take rule. my beliefs about it all leave me feeling pretty detached toward the leaders themselves and more tender towards the hearts of people who are not equipped to deal with the shadow and all the pain that will deluge like the nile, bringing us an opportunity to heal. it takes skill, knowledge, courage, and love…which is not this country’s forte. i would say that many suffer from not feeling enough love, which is exactly how the shadow has become leader of the game. courage is also not very present. how do you develop courage when you spend most of your time exhausting yourself with paying bills or making more money? i am being sarcastic. this is not my fight. we all choose our battles. i choose being a healer and focusing on love and so instead of indulging in sarcasm as an emotional release, i will feel the emotion fully in the raw. what is the emotion? anger, sorrow, and fear. hello anger, sorrow, and fear. nothing to fear about these feelings swirling around wanting an outlet that wont harm. acknowledgment. i really feel upset about all the pain and at the same time i know in my soul that pain is a golden key that opens the door to healing, wisdom, and transformation. i know in my own life pain has been my greatest teacher and healer. i am not healing from pain. i am healing from ignorance. but this all sounds like blah blah blah garb. i am weary from the way words sound. i only want the pure feeling. i don’t want to be mean, sarcastic, dramatic, righteous, pollyanna polly, negative nancy, detached deborah, or any version of persona that masks the raw naked feelings. i want action. that’s the call. to take action. i take it today like a medicine. i hardly slept from the full moon. kept waking up and seeing it glow outside the window. the moon was trying to speak to me all night long. the full moon is in my south node warning me not to take in the feelings of others. each time the collective swells with the same feeling because of an event triggering it, that feeling feels like a tide flooding into my heart. i have very little sentiment in my heart. my feelings percolate beneath the layer of sentiment. i am feeling the undercurrent of a much deeper grief making its way to the surface. i got no room for sentiment. i also see the potential for joy always present. i am not going to allow the nightmare we are further entering (stress “further” because the pain has been happening all along in major ways for thousands of years even if there have been moments of relief and growth, such as obama brought.) i will shine bright like a diamond as the pop song says. this is my one life as michelle and i will live bright in a nightmare or in dream come true. clean up duty is not fun but it is meaningful. being here for all of us and not just me and my loved ones is the action. pain brings joy when it is realized, felt, loved and converted into action toward freedom and liberty. this is what it is right now. we are living in a time filled with pain. we are not here to only experience light, ease, comfort, and freedom. i am not going to resist the nightmare. the shadow is happening. this is the journey. the spiritual journey is to be brighter than the nightmare and to transform pain into love and wisdom. everything in this life is a tall order when you step out of distraction and delusion. we are dealing with big injustice, big issues, big pain, big possibility for big transformations. callings are not always fluffy happy dreams, often they are about waking up out of distraction and out of the ego driving life and into becoming a conduit for love and healing. here we are and here we go…

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