love grows out of cracks and surrender…

change is hard and life is intense. life is also extremely mysterious. certain cliches always seem to exist such as what you resist will persist. letting go and surrender happens in cycles just as getting what you want and feeling on top of the world. the events themselves unfurl seemingly harmless compared to the feelings inside you must face upon arrival of the event, depending on if the event falls into your head’s category of good or bad, light or shadow. still feeling rebellious toward thinking that resists duality in favor of multidimensionality. working on the adjustment in my own thinking to embrace both equally and to not marginalize limitation, so to speak. pluto is already putting me on my knees and teaching me. the term “worried well” was used yesterday and it stuck with me. maslow’s hierarchy. how close or far away are you from others (or yourself) who struggle just to function or have enough to eat? what if we we were all super close to people unlike us. also, how many people can relate to your version of pain? it can feel like a burden you carry alone until you meet others. yesterday i wished for one other person who faces the same issues as me to relate to. i felt alone in my version of crazy. i understood how beneficial it is to find refuge in others who relate. it has been a while since my version of crazy has popped up. i say this lightly, “my version of crazy” because my intention is to normalize how we all are generally….crazy to some regard. when you struggle to function, functioning can seem like this holy grail. you can wish so hard to not disappoint those who love you the most, that you forget why you are doing what you are doing. other people’s judgment can feel like swords. the holy grail grows too large. encouragement can seem futile when a storm hits and all you want is to hear, “i understand,” and not “you can do it”. though when it gets this intense, sometimes laughing is the absolute best medicine. there is still way too much stigma attached to mentally disorders, struggles, challenges, call it what you will. the expectation that everybody should be functioning and getting along ok can feel like a prison when it’s hard for you. i understand this. my compassion for the underdog is mammoth because i am an underdog and know exactly what it feels like. i have no expectation on any human being because i know how awful those expectations feel. for me, understanding and compassion have been my salves and because of this, i use it as medicine in helping others. all of us want to feel special and unconditionally loved for exactly who we are. judgment has always been a big thing in this matrix called me. i am extremely sensitive to it. i sense both the repressed shadow of the judger as well as the shame of the judged. i know that being able to step out of the story of judgement is the goal, and again, this can feel like the search for the holy grail. basically, i am feeling tenderness this morning for how difficult life can feel on the inside. the opposite of life coach or positive pollyanna or anything like that. i am feeling deep dark ocean blue compassion and tenderness for the human soul starving for unconditional love. when i feel my own starvation i feel it for everyone else because i don’t really feel any boundaries between me and you in the heart. i am feeling all heart this morning. when too much surrender happens at once the only place i know to go is to love for refuge. it is the best i can do and it is enough for me and for you…

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