the sky is silky lavender grey this morning, blending in with the white and grey mountains diffused by the clouds but still visible. the buildings look dishwater brown against nature’s silvery hues. they also seem damp and stuck. maybe it’s the taurus moon weighing me down like an anchor. slept long and deep with strange dreams that are quickly escaping my memory. wait, don’t go. (but they are going.) i wanted to dream of my true love but he aint showing his face, not even to my dreams. every time i use the term true love i feel like a child, as if i am talking about santa. i know the term is one of poetic endearment when speaking in terms of fate. i also know true love is an art piece to be consciously created if i get the opportunity to partner with a man who also wants to consciously create a relationship. this relationship my heart and soul desires is not natural by any means. in fact, i think monogamy is probably the least natural way to relate according to biology, in my perception of life. but my soul desires it completely. i am not one of those all natural types anyhow. i don’t desire to have sex with more than one man and i don’t desire to have more than one emotional relationship with a man. this is not a moral decision or an unconscious one. it’s the decision based on how i choose to create. one is all i want and need. but if you want more, go for it, i don’t care. if you want to believe in jesus as god of no god or satan as god, go for it, i don’t mind. just don’t fuck with people’s human rights and we wont have an issue. but i have spewed this sentiment a million times. my freedom loving soul is weary from sentiment and spewing. what does freedom want this morning? space to allow the new in. receptivity. openness. new ideas. new visions. new love. creative sparks. still have not painted in months and now i am outta paint and canvas. what to do? buy more with the money i don’t have? i know how to be resourceful so no excuses! why do i resist? a friend asked me if i wanted to do art with her sometime and my first inclination was no. who am i? a big chunk of me is missing right now and i know this. but it will return, always does. painting is as solid as tarot and writing. in the meantime i have discovered ballet workout videos on you tube and love this new way of mind-body connecting. yoga has trained me for this and it’s more artistic and elegant and i am digging it. something new for the body to learn. more than anything, this hunger inside is for the new. aha! i just recalled one of my dreams. i was in florida, accidentally walking around in only a white sports bra and nothing else, feeling very embarrassed. classic anxiety dream but why florida? childhood memories? warm tropical locale? cause my friend lives there who was just visiting? in the dream i felt off. have i been feeling off? maybe…..maybe i have….