orange and grey surreality….

doing my best to not catch the sickness everyone is catching. i stayed in all day and evening, sneezing, only blowing my nose once, and spraying thieves oil on me. it’s ridiculous how often the sick rounds are happening this season. i get mad cause it feels to me like they are making it happen somewhere up there on the pyramid of power. when are we going to stop being deceived and lied to by the powers that be? when will our leaders care about all of humanity? when will money no longer be the driving force? these are rhetorical cries from a wolf to the moon. the orange crane is lit up by the sun, matching the orange snow covered mountain tops also lit up the by sun, contrasting deep grey clouds covering the sky in one large brush stroke. a warm glow permeates the cool grey. exactly how i feel this morning. first morning i have awoken moody in a while. been feeing effervescent and even keeled lately, but this morning i feel disgruntled. feelings really are like weather. was on a madonna watching binge last night. her music and performances still inspire me as an artist. specially the blond ambition tour time. i love how she artistically expresses her insides. i keep bursting into tears suddenly this week. my heart is open and vulnerable. i have nothing to hide except what i need to hide for deeper reasons of importance. meaning, i don’t have any shame surrounding the shadow, my weaknesses, and vulnerable feelings. i don’t care what others think as much. this part  is healing. maybe this is why madonna has always been an inspiration to me. she is herself all the way. it’s not about being liked, it’s about being real. the spirituality of being who you are. being your true essence. not walking on eggshells as to not make other people upset travels deeper into fear of the self. are you afraid of who you are? i have been facing lots of fear about myself. i feel my volume louder and fear my passion. i fear my mind that moves fast and fear my heart that feels everything so deeply. i fear only because of fear though. this is the secret medicine. i am thinking of an old friend who told me that feelings are only textures. remove the judgement off of any feeling, be it a sensation like feeling cold, or an emotional feeling such as fear…and what do you have left? just a texture. fear is only a texture, no biggie. oh that’s right, i dreamed about two scary things last night. i dreamed there was a nuclear holocaust and half the planet was dead, including the planet itself as well as the life on it. i was still alive and with my mother. we were trying to catch a plane or getting off of one and we were both were digesting the information that nuclear war happening in a calm fashion. i was confused. i wasn’t sure if planes were operating anymore, where i was, or what to do. there might have been a house my mom was moving into. my room had many chairs in it but i decided to not live there. this might have been connected to the other dream where the person who raped me was talking to me and back in my life. i was not angry or upset with him anymore. he had worked on himself. i don’t really remember anything else. i think if i saw this person in real life today i would feel the same way. i have already forgiven him. in the nuclear dream i was shown of picture of the planet and literally half of it was gone and the planet looked like a semicircle. i woke up at 3 am pondering whether or not nuclear war has already happened and humanity is in such shock about it that we are all collectively dreaming that we are still alive, when really we are all dead. reality is truly a trip but when you are grounded in daily activities the psyche does not connect with that, it starts to believe that what is real is only before your eyes, as-is and not under any form of disguise. this is why i have never and will never do acid. i am already there. this alice was born in wonderland. i just happen to be really good at locating myself in the dominant cultural paradigm in order to be of use. anyways, to put it bluntly, life is feeling super surreal this morning. writing this blog burned off my moodiness though. writing usually does. gonna try some ballet work out this morning instead of yoga. craving dancing. craving to make life more playful in each moment. blah blah blah…

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