another clear blue sky freezing cold day in seattle. changes in the weather pattern are real. we ought to be in the forties with clouds or some rain. i don’t know what to say this morning. everything i want to write about is too personal for this blog. i am juggling some major realities right now, feeling like a jester or a coyote or a fox. i don’t have any words, blogging it hard. words feel choppy. my thoughts feel like stuck rudders. slow mud walking animals. not like the clear rays of sunshine. do i need to get outside? outside the box. free flow this blog to make it work. working on so many things at once. the feelings bursting much like squeezing an orange to make juice out of it. a plug waving around looking for her socket. the fire rising higher. wishing and wanting and wondering. the whole traumatic event of life mixed with the entire beauty and awe of living. making love with opposites. making love with opposites 101. phd in alchemy. wishing i had a car and could ride up some place alone today by a river and speak with the water about it all. the color of the sun on the brick building outside my window warms my heart a little. feeling somewhat disoriented this morning. interesting how waking up to nobody leaves my identity so very open. people ground you with their perceptions of you. the subjective grounding of another’s belief about who you are. it can be a trap and a suffocation too. when alone, i am free to let myself shape shift. i am many identities and they move around, take turns, spin through the spin cycle and such. i have many facets that express themselves and not sure if i take ownership over any of them because they all feel like visits. i know, that sounds insane, right? it’s not insane. i am just being philosophical. when desire goes unmet over and over the mind expands. i am so used to desire going unmet and all the energy running up my body, feeding my compassion, creativity, philosophy. i still want to meet desire. i am supposed to. we are supposed to live out our karma. hoping the dream i had the other night allows me to experience desire instead of always analyzing it and saying no or the physical experience never showing up. strangeness. we all have unmet desires though. i don’t mean to sound like the only one. some are more chronic than others. i am coming up on a year since i have mingled with a man and i am coming up on two years since i have been in a relationship with a man and i am coming up on four years since i have been in a physical relationship with a man (not long distance) and before the one four years ago it was it was five years since the last one before him. i go years. i am the opposite of a relationship hopper who thinks being single for a few years once in their life is a big deal (which it is for them, our big deals are very personal). i have only been in a relationship with a man for 3 years out of 44 total of my life span thus far. other relationships are in plethora. i have a lot of friends. so many that i cannot maintain all of them on a physical level. i say this only to not evoke pity. i am more in this mood that’s like, “wow, i have spent most of my years single and doing my own thing.” there are positives to this. yet this is all mental blah blah blahing. beneath is a creature hungering for full throttled intimacy, who is so good at being alone she will stay alone unless the relationship is truly worth is to her. we all have out stories and they are all very different in their sameness. be careful to not assume your story will be the story of all. one thing i have noticed in relationships i observe, each one is very different. i dreamed last night about buying cassette tapes with an old friend. which band was it? not david bowie….um…someone i never listen to, some old rock band. i did not have a cassette player so the guy behind the counter took one out to sell to me or build for me. strange. word of the day: strange.