riffing on choice, venting, blessings…

seward park is magical, i had no idea. strolling around the water near sunset underneath the swarming crows having their late afternoon meeting in the tops of trees. talking and talking and talking. winding up in the mt. baker area and feeling its perfection, wishing to live in the townhouses with the amazing view. i love wandering through this city that never gets old to me, never loses her magic, always has something new to say and inspire within me. when love gets stronger over time. when the opposite of boredom opens up as trust is gained over time. true love city. not that i am opposed to leaving but i could stay the rest of my life and know i was home. missing having a car and being able to drive wherever i want, whenever. it’s been nine years since i drove and when i was a driver i drove everywhere. i know it’s a good thing not having a car-bon footprint, but my desire to be able to travel singes strongly and i really dislike having to rely on others for transportation. it’s weird giving something up that i used to take for granted. i used to be the one who drove everyone to the airport, giving rides to people, and now i am the person being offered rides. it is much easier to be the giver than receiver. i dislike being a burden in any way. i like being a care taker. but this is a great lesson because it is all about an equal balance of giving and receiving. i used to be much more of a white knight in the olden days. it’s an easy role. now all the roles seem to fade. none of them make sense. who am i now? i was joking but being serious when i said i needed to be with a partner who thinks my complaining is endearing and can joke with me about it. that if i was with one of those always positive types who got continually annoyed or triggered when i vented or bitched, it would never work. i like being able to vent and express all the feelings and don’t take for granted my blessings when i do. it’s the little things that matter in partnership too. i remember when i was with a guy who said i was perfect while he also was irritated with many of personality traits. talk about pedestalizing. we are creatures and these relationships we get in are creature relationships. i realize i have the luxury of choice at this stage in my life. it’s pretty amazing. i can say no and be alone if it does not feel right. i am not stuck and not desperate. this luxury of choice feels like a gift. i feel an abundance of space around that me that i can fill with my choosing. those whom i love mean the world to me on the deepest levels. anyhow, just noticing, noticing…noticing. we talked about more intimate sexual stuff too, and how compatibility is what it comes down to. to be your true sexual self, in essence, is a major accomplishment in this culture where brainwash is mammoth and people get hooked on looks, power, status, objectifying, or feel so much shame that they avoid sexual intimacy in varying degrees. our sexual selves are sacred. even talking about it a little bit in blog brings up shame, as if i am expressing a faux pas or something. variety is beautiful and love is variety. i wish i could banish shame from our collective psyche. i know that’s a childish wish. we must walk into the fire to transcend it. although, just to balance out the scales, i think sometimes that shame makes the journey harder than it has to be. we can make it easy on ourselves too. the right partner might make it easier on you. or maybe not. depends on your karma and dharma and shmarma, which depends on what you are open to and how open your will is to choose. i am having an awakening about choice. choosing is a skill and an art form. feeling awe for free will this morning. i am riffing. i am open. i am choosing before the choice is here…

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