notes on healing and freezing…

freezing weather with blue skies like the midwest is hitting seattle. strange days. reading the red book and feeling every word like broth nourishing my soul. walking by the cemetery to remind myself of death on the new year. solitude acting as medicine. mercury retrograde’s thick trance giving me a blank mind this morning. not blank, more like…images. i see myself swimming in an ice cave hot pool on the tip of the world away from all the human drama. i see a large oak tree looming above me, bringing me stability and peace. i see a sunset laden in purple shades, ready to be gone for a while while the break-down occurs. i see his face, the one who represents our collective shadow. this is a beautiful painful time where we can heal and empower or regress into reactive hate and blame. choices. there are always at least two of them. how we choose to respond to events, triggers, people, situations is a a level of mastery in and of itself. i remember the days when i could not choose because i was victim to my own reactivity. i lived in a victim mentality. no doubt i was victim to things that happened to me and i don’t blame myself for those things. they were not my fault and they stole much of my innocent youth. welcome to life as we know it here on earth for us all. it took me years to not make it worse by dwelling in the victim story by feeling less than, unworthy, afraid of everything, and helpless. i was not in control of my own will. i could not stop my reactivity. level one of healing was all about learning how to take back my will, to control my will, to be able to respond by choice instead of react. once i could do that i was able to let go of dwelling in the victim story. next level of healing was all about allowing myself to feel all of my feelings without judgement, which was like a grand detox and still is because i tend to intellectualize my feelings and some of them are just melting now, after years of being frozen into thoughts. at the same time i was learning how to love myself unconditionally which was a mysterious journey that involved connecting mind to body and beginning my meditation and yoga practice. there really is no arrival point. love requires daily practice and healing is life long. the lessons continue. on and on, leveling up and spiraling sometimes down past all the levels when storms hit. chaos is always present beneath order. all of this life long healing work is preparing me for this year and beyond, it feels like. i am being dramatic. life feels very dramatic right now. the sky is beauty this morning. aqua sky laced with shadowy clouds lit at the top by electric orange sun rays. winter is settling into the bones like a three act play and we are only on act two. will there be an intermission? i see a large dog in my mind suddenly. loyalty to self. nobody but me healed me from the suffering i once lived inside and it took tons of work every single day. i don’t suffer anymore but i do still feel plenty of anxiety and fear in large waves. self love is a daily practice that is all about owning and loving my shadow, specifically shame these days. shame may always exist and this is ok. healing is not about getting rid of the shadow. healing is about opening the heart more each moment and each day. cessation of suffering happens with the opening of the heart. love heals. when i love the shame i do not suffer from it. when i love the shame i can allow it to course through in a wave and vanish again. no biggie. the way to allow feelings to express and vanish is to keep the story off of them. think of feelings as butterflies and stories as nets. the moment i tell myself what the shame is i trap the butterfly and suffer. if i don’t trap it, i feel shame for a day or an hour and it passes. love aint fluff. to feel love for what is not pretty, easy, or kind is a very challenging. love can be all things. it can be terrible, it can be like iron, it can be fierce, it can be abstinence and restraint, or saying a strong no when the feelings want yes. an open heart allows for limitations to exist. we are limited. kill the hero that thinks he can conquer all. this is the part of the red book i am on and loving it. every one of us is limited by various realities. we must pay honor to limitation. sorry, i am we-ing, i realize. some people get super annoyed by that. we (ha) are taught not to we, but only to i. maybe that is why i am we-ing. i feel rebellious this morning. there is much on my mind  and heart i cannot talk about here in blog…

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