today is new years eve but i don’t care. it was so great to spend the day with my cohort friend yesterday up in monroe and duvall. he does not care about holidays either and i enjoyed experiencing the camaraderie we share. i realized i don’t want to live up in those areas as we gabbed the day away in various cafes and restaurants, talking about everything. just getting out of the city feels like a relief. lately, i have been craving space. i feel grateful for the simpatico i experience with this friend, a treasure. those whom i love are the treasures and riches of this life. my mind feels quiet this morning because i am keeping the usual tapes from playing. any new thoughts want to peak out from the unknown? i dunno. i want a car and an animal and i am thinking about moving to the east side to make this happen because i am drawn there. not to the culture but to the land. seattle is always here for culture. i want to feel the ground beneath my feet like i do east side. i want to feel the mountains closer like i do east side. i want to feel space around me like i do east side. i am tired of caring about culture. it’s gonna be crappy everywhere for a while anyhow. i care more about different aspects these days. my ego is wanting to shed. it’s strange becoming new. where the old is not making sense and the new is not yet revealed. i don’t know who i am externally. i only know who i am in essence. i remember when i moved to missoula how i took the bobbles off my body for that year. i never wore jewelry, except for one stone pendant around the neck. i took off my city costumes and only wore jeans and sweat shirts. i rode a bike everywhere. i felt myself return to some form of earthly innocence. i miss that. but i think the reason i am recalling that year is because it was truly a journey into the unknown for me. i had never lived in a small town and taken off my city bobbles before. i feel like the usual tapes are playing when i speak about who i want to become. i am open to whatever is manifesting and i will let it be emergent and unknown. i really do not know and not knowing is the magic. i feel new inside and however it will manifest externally i shall allow. it is exciting because i can sense how different it will be compared to how i am now. whatever must be faced in the coming years i feel ready to face. i have moved through the shock. i have transcended the resistance. but resistance will show up any minute now, again. it always does. just keep soaking in divine love like it is a hot tub. a hot tub on the inside. i don’t remember my dreams last night. i don’t mind. i want to read more of the red book today. i want to soak in jung’s words like a hot tub. life is a mystery. i feel blank. ladeeda as anne sexton would say….