many friends i know are going through shadow times right now. life is so intense. i am currently feeling myself basking in a low light, like dawn, after my shadow walk of last week. i seem to continually polarize the world around me. my lesson: to learn how to stay in my own energy and not get swallowed up by the strong energies of others. it’s a cancer south node/capricorn north node lesson. last night a friend took me to see dina martina and i laughed my ass off the entire night. it was one of the funniest shows i have ever seen. felt so good to laugh and bask in zaniness. i needed it. i am calling out to joy. i can feel the need for joy in my heart like the body needs vitamin c to not get scurvy. it’s a swim upstream like salmon do and sometimes requires intense will power and concentration. like how buddha turned every arrow into a flower petal. this is me right now. i am being buddha and christ. concentrating and loving. transforming the energies best as i can. the impulses in the lower chakras and habitual mind are strong. these impulses want to quit, run, avoid, dwell on the negative, get overwhelmed, over-indulge. a watchful and loving eye gazes upon the reactive creature as my soul beats her big dragon wings, breathing fire, warming up the land. constant alchemy. continual effort. an eye that never closes. ceaseless tenacity. surrendering and humbling. no longer seeking outside the self or clinging to false senses of security. diving into the unfamiliar. in my own story line i bounce up and down from this is right and what if this isn’t right. the bouncing ball of doubt seizes my brain. it bounces up and says yes, i am doing everything according to integrity of the true calling. it bounces down and says, i am not listening to my intuition because it is too scary. i remember that it is perfectly natural to doubt and question my choices. how do you know if you are making the best choice, choosing the right career, partner, place to live, etc? what if another career, partner, place to live (etc) calls to you aside from the one you are choosing? i hear my soul speak to me with the answer, “listen to intimacy, the true right choice dwells in this.” intimacy is connection. this makes me think about when i was in grad school for copywriting. i felt no intimacy. i could not connect to using my brain to think about how to sell chicken broth, no matter how much creative leeway the task promoted. when it comes to tending to the human soul, i feel incredible intimacy and creativity, even though this path is hard and challenging me on every level. when i think about past partners, i feel big gaps where intimacy was not present. how i clung to wanting to make it work because i wanted to be devoted, wanted true love, because i wanted the man. yet with no man i have been with in romantic partnership, have i experienced emotional intimacy. i think about places i have lived. it is in seattle i experience the most intimacy even if i glamorize new york or long for the sunshine of vegas. intimacy is connection and connection is what this soul longs for that i am supposed to abide by. simply because it is. no reason. i feel myself releasing ego. i can see how my ego wants glory, recognition, to get it right, to secure a partnership/career/home, to be able to bury the past. all of this is total bullshit. the real authentic calling is to intimately connect with this world, others, a partner, a home, in my purpose as a tender of souls and creator of stories and images. the ego wants to posses. the soul wants to experience. the longing is beautiful. i can still long, it’s just a shift of focus from ego to soul. deeply connecting brings all that is needed. back to the beginning of this blog, i see how i need to radiate my essence and not get swallowed up in the strong energy of others, if i want to deeply connect. i have to fully be me to fully connect with you. this is the alchemy. i am making many sacrifices to live from the soul. i am not care taking when the impulse is to do so. i am not losing myself when the impulse is to do so. i am not trying to hold on, when the calling is to let go. i am not avoiding when the calling is to walk into. it’s fucking hard right now but i know it gets easier as the heart opens more and intimacy begins to become more and more comfortable and available. being present and open in the moment can make hard become easy. but it’s not even about hard and easy. it’s about love. love love love love love….