my friend just got into town for a visit and it’s always medicinal for us when we get together. we both enjoy being one another’s life coaches and healers. he is one of the few i can speak about my deepest sense of truth with and in the past our intuitions and imaginations have collaborated on expanding myths we both feel in our hearts. he has the same stamina as me to talk deep for hours. his mind is as open as mine and allows us to explore the far reaches. i feel grateful to have him as a soul brother and that he is visiting right now, when uncertainty reigns the moment. intense dreams continue to rain all night long, leaving puddles in my bones by morning. everyone in my life shows up in them. it’s a carnival. when i wake up i feel like i am leading a double life. at least my waking life feels real and my dream life feels like commentary on waking life. i don’t think i could metabolize the surreality of dream life feeling real. but i do feel a bit surreal in waking life this week, coming back from vegas. i feel surreal being alone. i am not enjoying waking up alone, like i usually do. i wish i was waking up with somebody. i don’t want to be doing it all alone anymore. i don’t want a random roommate either. next best thing to a partner would be a friend roommate, but that does not feel right either. the cards are showing me i have to be strong by accepting my restlessness for change. just because you long for an experience does not mean you will get it. in fact, so many of us experience the opposite of what we long for. there are no red carpets rolling out for wishes. i am feeling the death of longing’s fulfillment in my heart. no buddhist words guide me these days. i am not finding refuge in mental adjustments or meditation. i am finding refuge in pure divine love, and that is all. i am lucky that i feel pure divine love. if i didn’t, i would probably be some kind of existential detached type of person due to how zoomed out i see things all i the time. divine love pulls me into the moment, into my body, into myself and into a state of tenderness. as i grieve the death of longing’s fulfillment in my heart, i rest in spirit and nourish myself on the milk and honey of a love that requires no physical body, no beginning, no end, no conditions. is this pluto going over my north node? feels much like it. pluto puts me on my knees, forcing me to sustain myself off of divine love because if my longing for the physical experiences were fulfilled, i might stray from divine love. that reason feels right in my puddled bones. grief is medicine. grief is transformation. grief is beauty. in waking life, there is a dominant cultural paradigm that says we have to have what we want in life and hold onto it, to feel good or happy. what pressure this invokes! that means if you are disabled in some way, homeless, mentally ill, single, overweight, marginalized, fired from a job, broken up with, violated, or…shall i go on? you get the idea. life is filled with shadow experiences. i know we have a ton of room to improve and better our world through awareness and healing, and it is important to always be working on what can be adjusted and healed. at the same time, accepting that human nature is part shadow and part light, just as we see the bright sun create shade all over the earth, is a part of seeing reality for reality. seeing reality for reality allows for acceptance. feeling acceptance allows the heart to stay open. the heart staying open allows more love to pour through. and this love is the real happiness. this is my two cents. again, i am practicing not being a diplomat 24/7 by not claiming any opinions. this is my opinion. every human being will lose, fall, get sick, not get what they want, most likely be violated at some point, and then lose the body all together and step into death. i am not excusing sorrow, anger, and all the feelings that accompany hard times. i am only saying that these feelings don’t have to rule out happiness. happiness can be rooted in the full spectrum of the human experience. we all have different temperaments too. some of us bitch more often, some of us turn things into a positive light more often, some of us take out the pain inward, some outward. we are all different crayons in the crayon box. i am trying to be one crayon and not all the crayons at once. my view of death is positive. i am sad to lose anybody i love while i am still here on earth, but i am happy for them because the doorway of death opens up to new vistas, free of the heaviness of this realm. is this fantasy? you can judge it as so, i don’t mind. some things i know so deeply i don’t need to question them. faith is the word for these aspects. my faith is strong but it’s not something to discuss because there is no convincing to be done. we each have our own path. we are each alone in what feels true about the big picture. if your faith tells you jesus is god and my faith tells me something else that is different we do not need to argue who is right or wrong. the kaleidoscope of reality allows for it all, including what is harsh, terrible, ugly. i say all this to myself because i long to know what is really going on with everything. i have a moulder complex. but i know in my faith, i will die not knowing, so i gotta remember to channel my desire to to know into creative endeavors. blah blah blah blah blah….