back on the mother ship…

back in seattle. felt sad to go to bed and wake up alone. miss my folks and joey the cat. at least the apartment’s air was cleaned out from leaving the windows open all week. at least i have a home to come home to. at least it is fairly peaceful. i miss the desert sun. i want to run. i won’t. not feeling the bright exuberance i felt yesterday but still feeling light, hopeful, ready to lose everything secure and be ok with it, as i am unsure if we are all about the enter the breakdown now…or later. i am prepared emotionally and mentally, but perhaps not physically. do i wish i had tons of water and food saved and was living with another or others? yes, absolutely. but i am talking with the divine and it’s all gonna be alright. death does not scare or depress me. i look forward to it, for what is on the other side of death is more comforting and familiar than this life. i guess i am lucky that way. lucky and backwards. i guess also, after spending so many years alone and on a tight budget and not really living in any lap of luxury, i feel more prepared to lose what i do have. this life is temporary. this body is temporary. what i feel to be true about this reality i don’t really share with anybody. only a select few. most of my truth remains quiet inside, and it is here in this quiet, i find refuge. all of my blah blah blahing is for the love of words and writing, for the love of sharing and expressing, though my deepest secrets nestle like mute birds in the chest. there is so much fear and anger swirling around. that’s the thing. in seattle, i feel much more tuned into the collective conscious of others. in vegas, i can retreat. i guess i keep saying i guess because i am guessing but i guess i am supposed to be in the thick of the human collective where i can be of use and i guess this is why i am here. this planet’s beauty and mystery astounds me (if it is a planet we are on. who knows.) i don’t mind the illusion so much. what is important to me is only love. we talked about partnership again last night, since he may be getting into one. what we are open to and not open to these days. no more generalizing. every single relationship is different but one thing is the same, you will partner with where you are at with yourself. where am i at with myself? lots of love and storms, lots of strength and bursts of joy, desires to escape and avoid, sensitivity alive as ever, more gentle than ever, much less angry and way less sad than i have ever been, but anxiety lives strong still in this skin. i am learning. will get on the mat this morning. it’s all about structure. i am playing a very serious game but i still know, in my heart, it is temporary. i know romantic love is not a pleasurable thing to possess but a partnership to help he and i progress. i realize joy is being on the path, not so much pleasure. i also keep remembering that suffering is when i sink too deep in the story and forget i am breath. nothing outside of me can take more than the physical away. they can take my body but they cannot take my soul. my home can be ripped away, those i love will die, i could get sick, i could not have food, this country may go to shit, but none of that can steal my love or chip away at my spirit. this is what grounds me every day. this is what makes entering the dark forest, naked and open, with no sense of security, ok. can you tell this is partially a pep talk? you’ve been feeling worried too. we all are. lighting a candle in the dark is a choice. it’s a choice every moment. words are power. they are swords. i feel the delicate power of my speech and feelings. i feel how much power i really do have. i feel my cells connected to the divine and how the moment there is a disconnect i struggle. it’s like, the stakes are becoming higher now. i am betting on love winning. i always will…

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