at the vegas airport early because i thought maybe it would be crowded but it’s dead as a door nail. why are door nails dead, anyhow? i don’t get it. another night of wacky dreaming. and i am feeling light. after reading some articles about energy waves coming to earth, it all makes sense. i had forgotten to check in with what i consider real reality. i had been so stuck in my “story” and trying to transcend my…”story”, that i could not feel reality, aka: the energies that are real. the ascension of the planet and how it is clearing fear from this body known as michelle, the opportunity to shed shed shed. i mean, i knew i was shedding, but sometimes i forget that we are all energy and get stuck inside the matrix. this is my blog, so i am not going to be diplomatic in this blog. just gonna speak how i feel and what is true for me, cause i gotta. i gotta express myself. i can literally feel the story i have held in these bodily cells loosen their grip and i literally can feel the exuberant fear of newness and how the mind perceives newness as a threat and craves the familiar. the familiar for my particular mind is anxiety or avoidance when operating in what is perceived as threat. but right now, i can see both the perception and the storyline as unfamiliar outside forces feeding off me. we are all one in the sense that all is god, all is energy, all is love. at the same time we become distinct creatures through incarnation. these distinct incarnations cling to identities to feel safe, and probably for other impetuses there is no language for. i can feel the distinctions i have clung to my whole entire life. i think back though, to being a kid, in what truth there is in memory. i was fearless back then, way back. i jumped out of trees and hit cement walls, only to laugh when the pain hit. i calmly received antagonization, i was not afraid of it. sure, it made me feel sad, but i was never afraid. oh wait, now i recall being afraid of the dark though. ok, forget glamorizing the past. something i hardly ever do anyhow. people are coughing and sneezing, yet again. germs on the loose, again. the sky is bright blue aside from one fat chem trail shooting across the desert expanse, which probably is causing the sneezing. what nightmare have we entered? what dream? the pain is real and so is the love. i wont let the forces of malevolence in this world steal my joy, steal my mission of love, steal what is intimate and real. the shadow cannot swallow the light but the light can swallow the shadow. light a candle in a dark room and you will see for yourself. ah, but be careful, don’t show too much courage or hope. what goes up must come down. stay in the middle. can’t you see? every statement the mind makes is insanity! is trying to pin down the unpinnable. is trying to secure the absence of chaos. but chaos is just as real as order and security is an illusion. i want to learn to let go because i can feel my soul begging me to, quietly. i can feel my true essence burn like a cobalt flame inside the blood in my veins, occupying my veins, making this blood blue and body warm. soul is breath. i can feel this and the beauty of it puts me on my knees. i have the privilege to focus on this, i know. i understand. i am not fighting for my rights or starving. i feel a passionate desire to use my privilege to help. i don’t know exactly how except with what i do, which is facilitate healing, awakening, and giving love. this is all i know and will ever know. i want to write a story. can i start today? can i show up in the moment in every way? i feel hope. i feel effervescence. and this too shall pass. my mom just wrote me that carrie fisher died. goodbye, princess, goodbye….may the force be with you.