some kind of new years resolution spew disguised as a pep talk with a slightly morbid attitude beneath…

i am so happy christmas is over. not begrudging anyone who enjoys it with my happiness though. we all have our preferences. it’s what makes us unique and i would wither away in boredom if everyone felt and thought the same way as me. had the wackiest dream last night. first of all, i was mooning and not using anything and letting it all just come out. in a public bathroom for one but about seven of us were in there, males and females and we we were all wearing red and black. this is when i noticed the bright red mooning. nobody was looking at me, there was no shame. i made the remark, “my, aren’t we all color coordinated today,” and everyone giggles. i am hanging out with this man, he is my friend and there is this mouse, but only for a second. suddenly the mouse is a female bald mannequin head attached to a large metal stick, attached to some string i am operating with my foot about ten feet back, outside of the what the head on a stick is inside, which is a small school bus made of metal mesh. i am making her talk and moving her head with my foot. people are laughing. i am trying to decide if i want to keep hanging out or to be alone cause i feel the need to attend to my moon and i am craving solitude, but i can’t help but make everyone laugh with the mannequin head in the mesh school bus and my friend really wants to keep hanging out with me. then i wake up. weird weird weird weird weird. there is a part of me that is so zany and silly and maybe i dreamed this to access this part of me because, per usual and go figure, i am taking everything too seriously again. even when freedom is threatened and ignorance reigns, it is humor that gets us through, though i should not speak for others. humor gets me through. humor is god’s medicine. yeah, i used the word god, so what. words. semantics. i know it matters. i am purposely using the word god, maybe cause i don’t want the extremists to have rulership over that word. i dunno, i am riffing. my words shift from moment to moment. yesterday i ate sushi. i am totally off my vegan diet. totally off. i have eaten chicken, fish, dairy. i realize i am only a part time vegan, but part time is better than no time. i seem to always grow through gradation, cold turkey never has worked for me. i got off cigarettes through gradation, booze dwindles each year, portion sizes and crappy food dwindle each year, being mean to myself dwindles each year, etc. it’s what works for me. same with increase. i used to be able to go months without exercise, now i cannot go one week before i feel so off my balance that i must force myself back in. yoga has taken over. nothing requires the balance, stamina, endurance, and concentration that creates mind-body connection as much as yoga. it’s easy to zone out while jogging or doing any cardio or weights. only yoga forces every aspect of my humanity into activity. the mind must focus on so many things at once, muscles, bones, balance, grace. the body must not push too hard or be too soft, enforcing this state of grace. there is nothing similar. every day it’s hard to get on the mat. every damn day. will this every change, or is my kapha constitution forever making me wanna chill? what about you is hard to change? change requires so much will power. i don’t shy away from will power and discipline anymore like i used to. if i only did what i felt like doing i would be a nightmare of a human being. i have become pretty good at disciplining myself to do a variety of tasks. i feel like saturn is speaking to me right now. he’s all, “get ready, girl, you are about to go uber structure on your own ass,” which is true. if i want to be successful in my year ahead, i need a set bed time and wake up, a set yoga and meditation practice, a set amount of solitude time, and a set eating plan. i rely on these structures for success because if i lose my balance in any of these areas, i could easily burn down my reality. sucks being this way, but i accept it. having mental challenges is no fun, but it’s just the way it is. i got my inner father activated. when inner mommy says, go ahead and indulge, inner daddy says back, absolutely not. i notice that inner mommy is not good for me when it comes to self care, she is stellar at nurturing me when i get hurt. inner dad is no good at dealing with me when i am hurt, but he is stellar at making sure i take care of myself. inner mom, when i am hurt, gives me wisdom and love. inner dad, when i need to stay balanced, forces me to do what i need to do. some of us need force. i am annoying myself with this blog, these exclamations. i know the reason i am making them is because i am readying for year two, the trial by fire year of internship and school and this is my pep talk blog. why am i making this public? well, maybe you need a pep talk too. maybe you are scared of failing and being judgmental of yourself? maybe you can relate. or maybe i have bored you to tears and you stopped reading this a long time ago. or maybe you are rolling your eyes along with me at the tiresomeness of being human. weary winter wonderland wondering what will happen. maybe we will all die from a nuclear attack. i wouldn’t mind that, to be quite honest, but i am totally cool with staying alive, and i commit to walking into the dark scary forest of the next four years, but probably more like eight or longer…

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