christmas is for christians…

although all of my christian friends would say it is not, because they would not identify as christians. they would say it is just a time to gather with family. yet the fact is, they are cultural christians, and this is why it is normal for them to have a tree, do presents, and do the gathering thing. being raised culturally and not religiously jewish, those rituals are not normal and feel foreign to me. i admit, i do always feels irritable about the assumptions made. i am not offended by any means, just irritated, when wished a merry christmas and with the entire “christmas spirit”. it gives me a glimpse, although tiny, into what it must feel like to not be part of the norm. what gave me a much larger experience of being not part of the dominant culture paradigm was being overweight. granted, i am still carrying some excess fat, but i used to be more overweight and it felt like hell. it felt so awful that if i ever even come close to inching up to the old weight again, i feel like i would rather die than experience it. this has nothing to do with health and everything to do with vanity and being accepted by others in society. partially, i feel it is my responsibility to build a strong inner self worth that can rely on me and not others and partially i see how shallow and cruel humans have the capacity to be. i have moved well beyond the victim stage and actually thank the experience, for it gave me much greater compassion than i ever would have gained had i grown up accepted by society. humans tend to only open their hearts when they are forced to, as if we naturally gravitate toward being judgmental and surface oriented. of course who knows why. it might just be the dominant cultural paradigm…but wait a minute here…the dominant culture paradigm is born from people making it. the snake eating its tail tells me the shadow side of human nature is natural and creates rules and regulations that appear as moral codes of what is acceptable and unacceptable. the only moral code i live by is love. i still struggle with how i feel about my body, every damn day. if i don’t do yoga i feel like crap. if i eat too much i feel like crap. partially this is due to it naturally feeling better to be good to my body. partially this is due to a grave fear that if i don’t keep my weight in check i will run up to the bell tower to hide away in shame. there’s that shame again. so much shame. gonna free flow off shame here and the first thing i see are long strands of silver hanging like beaded curtains which makes me think of brilliance and the light of the soul within every human which is what i value and cherish. it’s what i see in the eyes of each person i look into and how i connect with each human i look into. i look into myself and i feel my silvery brilliance. i feel love for myself and i feel my gifts. only when i tread close to others outside of my self do i stray from the silvery brilliance…or does shame arise…and only in certain situations. we are all dealing with one another. you have the fear laden right wing christian extremists thinking trans people are going to molest their daughters in public bathrooms (this comes to mind after watching a video of a ranting father in a target store) which to me, is as bat-shit as it gets. way more bat-shit than my bat-shit delusion that i should feel ashamed for being me, although all fear falls on the same spectrum. those bat-shit right wing extremists are scared and i am scared. they fear hell and the devil because they cannot handle fearing themselves. i can handle fearing myself so i go to the source and do not project my fear onto a devil. they scape goat anyone different outside of their dominant culture paradigm, believing god says so, ruining the safety of the lives of others. i scape goat myself in the dominant culture paradigm, believing i say so, ruining the safety of myself. both are total crap. i know how to love others. i need to love myself better. michael white would tell me to externalize the shame and understand it is not me. but i disagree. i think this is only half accurate. true, the dominant cultural paradigm has bred fear and shame into me….and i also have bred fear and shame into me by believing the dominant culture paradigm, which just goes to show me that i am capable of being crappy too, i have a shadow too. i do believe in the inside, the unconscious, the me-ness of me. it’s what feels right in my heart. i am not a post-structuralist, although i do value their work and i do understand that all beliefs are nothing more than beliefs. nobody is right or wrong. that is moot to me. i am more about standing for love and growth, equality and liberty for all. i could care less about being right. if you wanna believe there is no inside self or that jesus is god or you believe in polyamory or that baseball is the next best thing to toast, i don’t care one way or another. if your belief causes no harm, i am all for it, even if i do not believe in it. if your belief does cause harm, that’s an entirely different story. if you believe god says being gay is a sin, i have a big problem with that. i judge your belief to the utmost and will fight it with every cell of my being. i wont be your pal and i wont ignore it. you get no tolerance from me, none. this is how i feel. when harm is caused i draw a solid line. the fire in my heart to protect those who are marginalized is strong like iron. can i turn this fire inward and stop marginalizing myself? yes, i can. i can shed light on my own shadow and heal, grow, open, illuminate…

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