free flow #40

tears of fear flowed out for the shame i feel about the wounds i carry in a flood on the guest bed and i felt like i was drowning. compassion for the storm and the flooding. she said i do it to myself, that i am the only one who can respond to myself with confidence and love, even when i fail or things don’t turn out as planned. not to care what others think. only what i think about myself matters. truth. i felt it and realized i was judging the shame, judging my lack of strength. although i am strong, look how far i have come? far. every single time the tears finally make their way out of my eyes (which is hard for me because i default into intellectualizing my feelings) the feelings shift, as if tears are magical solutions that turn judgement into love and once love comes in the shame does not feel like a heavy burden. remembering how feelings have feelings too, it’s a trip. shame wants to be loved, not judged. when you give love to shame it turns from a feral tiger into a sleepy house cat. when you judge shame it turns from a feral tiger into a blood thirsty demon. some psychological processes are so damn simple. if you refuse to give love to life, the life you are refusing gets bigger. giving love to the light side of life is easy but it’s not so black and white. if you have a history of either trauma or growing up in a detached family who never gave warmth and understanding, you might actually have trouble giving love to love. when people get too close it might feel scary, might make you angry, might make you feel trapped. hence, you might seek out partners and friends who can hurt you or stay unavailable to keep your ecosystem calm and in check. intimacy can feel like crap if you were raised with abuse, neglect, detachment, in chaos, etc. so loving love is only easy if you were raised with enough love for love to feel like love. know what i mean? giving love to shame, anger, sorrow, hurt, betrayal, rage, despair, and the like seems counter intuitive. seems like judging and spitting upon, demonizing and casting out these feelings is the the right thing to do, but it is not. if you give love to the shadow feelings they will feel understood, accepted, and then they will diminish and move on. giving love to shadow feelings is not the same thing as dwelling in them. dwelling in sorrow, for instance, is not giving love to sorrow, it is finding false refuge in sorrow because joy feels too scary, foreign, or maybe you cannot even understand joy. giving love to sorrow means accepting the feeling and allowing it to have a voice. psychological awareness is easy to understand and hard to practice. try it out. give love to the feelings you judge, let these feelings have a voice, and see what happens. the feeling will move on. giving love to anger and rage does not mean allowing yourself to beat the crap out of somebody, commit murder, rape, or anything violent. those acts occur when anger and rage are not loved. violent acts are the anger version of dwelling in sorrow. to give love to anger and rage, accept that you feel it and allow it to speak to you. i have a lot of anger. when i accept it and give it a voice it screams, “why the fuck is oppression and abuse, tyranny and ignorance running the human show?! why is it such a fucking struggle to find a life partner and make a home on this planet?! why do our precious lives get tampered with and ruined by assholes!?”  my angry voice like to cuss a lot and is always asking why. if i do not marginalize this voice with repressed guilt why i outwardly continually chant ohm and bask in the light, then the voice is heard, the feelings expressed, and with that, they move on, they leave. feelings do not stick around unless you make them stick around by not honoring them and turning them into mental vows and beliefs. for instance, if you turn sorrow into the mental vow, “i am unlovable,” you will trap sorrow in your cells and identify with sorrow. so the key is to feel the feelings with love and do not create mental stories about them. i say all this to myself, using the universal “you”. we all have our ways. this is my way. my tao. training myself to do this and only this is hard. i am addicted to creating stories around shame that do not serve me, that go against love. i used to be addicted to dwelling, but i transformed out of that addiction. now i am in the practice of transforming out of addiction to judging shame. i bet all my everything on the fact that when i am done judging shame, i wont care anymore about others judging me. i know my fear of others judging me is a projection of my fear about me judging myself. my horus hawk eye is keenly aware. the practice is much harder than the awareness. i can know something for years in my intuition and yet it will take me decades to put it into practice. the heart takes time to heal, open and grow, yet the mind can know something in an instant. i bet the heart can open just as quickly, actually. gonna contemplate on this one for a while. i know in my intuition that processing is only one path to actualizing. i believe in instant metamorphose, i have experienced it a few times. if i could experience this now in life, i would be forever grateful….

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