free flow #39

after one night of listening to binaural beats with solfeggio sequences to reduce fear and negative thinking (after three nights of not) my dreams returned to a much less anxious frightful state. dare i say this music is medication for my psyche? yes, i dare say. what a luxury to not be dreaming of being deformed with my tongue hanging out of my mouth or my cheeks swollen up like balloons, feeling completely isolated and troubled by how intensely grotesque my situation is. inside this psyche, still, is so much incredible shame. i admit. i show it. and it scares me. i admit that too. more scared i am of myself than anything. say it out loud. light a candle in the darkness where shame can no longer live like a demon, but reduces to a human being who feels deeply afraid of being shamed by others and has internalized the shame to such a degree, that she is no longer aware of the shame and only experiences panic and anxiety on the surface, when faced with new situations where people are involved. especially authority and responsibility. fun times for me. we are all in this together, is what i keep telling myself. we went to see the movie “jackie” yesterday. my review: was not convinced that natalie portman was jackie and could not stop seeing natalie playing jackie. too many close up shots of her face and thought the musical score was overly dramatic. i thought the movie was well written, well acted for the most part, and shot beautifully aside from the mammoth amount of close ups which did not sit well with me. i don’t want to look at the pores and i think it made it harder to see natalie as jackie. anyhow, what a life she lived. to be the first lady and have your husband murdered beside you, to lose two children before they are even born, to be born with so much privilege and lead such affluent life, to be so beautiful, to die so young of cancer, what a high contrast of light and dark, good and bad, tragedy and victory. stuck on the beauty part, i think about how it would feel to be that beautiful, how easily men can objectify. which leads to the thought of how many men choose wives for their beauty. in reading the novel “middlemarch” i am facing the same thing. men choosing wives for their beauty, as if women are ornaments. yuck. in this way, i am thankful to not be the objective beauty men covet. i want to be chosen for my heart, my soul, my internal beauty that makes me beautiful on the outside. i will choose the same way. when i see beauty on the inside, i cannot help but see beauty on the outside. when i see beauty on the outside, i often do not see beauty on the inside. that’s how it works for me. i will choose from the inside out. i am not swayed by externals and this strength has been installed into my heart due to what i have been through in life. in fact, it is due to my own life of being an outcast early on that i have gained so much depth and compassion in life. i am thankful for these shadow experiences. they have revealed love in my heart. external beauty is a double edged sword. internal beauty is always something positive. the two are not equal. it is like comparing fresh squeezed orange juice to tang. so much prejudice and suffering stems from looks alone. all skin color prejudice. i mean, it pisses me off that the color of skin can lead to slavery and hatred. why? there is no why. there are a few lines from the movie that stick with me, that were spoken by jackie’s catholic priest. paraphrasing he says: when you realize there are no answers to the questions you either want to die or you accept it and keep going. deep wisdom. there is no answer to why we humans can be so horrifically cruel to one another. there is no devil, no grand scheme, god is not controlling everything like a parent or president, god is living essence living as everything, hidden as everything, making it all up in the moment. it’s all happening as it is created. chaos theory and presence. this is what i feel to be true. there are many times i want to die because life feels too hard. but i know i won’t kill myself so i accept these death wish waves as they come and go. i accept that there are no answers. i am motivated by god, which to me is love. i don’t use the word god, i feel myself as god, a divine spark of god-goddess-all-that-is, source, oneness, love. it’s a feeling i cannot get rid of and i have had it since i was a little girl. it’s deeply ingrained in me and as me. this is all i rely upon. not dogma, not answers, not external beauty or a false sense of security that can be ripped away at any moment. around this core of truth i feel swirls of shame and anxiety, hopes and dreams, ultra-sensitivity, care and tenderness, anger and sorrow, happiness and frustration….all the things that make up being human. being human is hard. i know i am still imbalanced. too much stress on the vicissitudes that always seem to rule my psyche. i am weary from seeking a better physical existence. sometimes i feel all i can so is sink into the underworld where i am a tour guide, count my blessings which are many, and find joy in what is simple, such as a cup of coffee and a beautiful dawn. i feel like surrendering any larger dreams and seeking to have more. the mood is one of shedding…

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