free flow #38

i don’t feel like writing at all. intense dreams every night. last night: booking a hotel room on a credit card and i cannot afford, that rents by the hour, trying to figure out how to call the front desk constantly but cannot figure out how, to ask how much the room is costing, staying too long, falling asleep, it is morning and past check out time, i am freaking out. i am in vegas, driving in a car with a vegas acquaintance from the olden days, going to various venues or bars, i think, it’s hard to remember. the feeling was one of feeling out of place. hanging out with an old friend with fundamental spiritual beliefs, she is being racy in front of the group we are with, overly sexual, walking around naked, cause her husband is not interested in sex anymore. i tell her sex is not about the body, it is about the soul and it’s natural for that to happen in marriages. we are walking by some christian alter, a tall mother mary statue that you have to climb to kiss her and it makes my tongue grow in my mouth and stick out of my mouth grotesquely, oozing saliva. my friend tells me this is because of something concerning her dogma, something anti-women. i tell her i don’t believe in her dogma and yet i still react to the relics of her religion for some reason. makes sense to dream of vegas while in vegas. the feeling of being out of control in the hotel room sticks out. how i could not figure out how to call the front desk and yet could not leave either, to not spend money…this feels like my will is not my own, my will is going against me. this makes sense as i am feeling this in my waking life, beneath the surface of keeping it together and being a good citizen and student. i have always struggled with my will. there is confusion present. i have been so confused i find myself surrendering to the divine will just like AA people do, or christians, it’s all the same thing, it’s just connecting with a more core source of love within, divine love, divine will, call it what you will. i do this whenever i get really worried that i am going to mess up everything and disappoint others, ruin my life, appear stupid, be a burden, all the negative things. perhaps i dreamed of my fundamentalist friend because i always saw myself in her, and she really struggled with trusting herself, hence needing such a strong dogma to surrender into. i believe that the less we trust ourselves the more we look for an external power source to surrender into, be it god, a partner, or whatever is outside the self. it’s all very tenuous, what the truth is.  some theories don’t even believe there is an inside self, such as narrative therapy and michael white’s idea that all problems exist in the relational field. like i always say, i don’t take sides or dwell in extremes, cause i believe in everything, like henry miller. there is an inside and outside, there are real sentient spiritual beings and these beings are metaphors, humans are probably metaphors to some other kind of being, it’s all a kaleidoscope of insanity really. perception is a dragonfly. the point is the experience. jung pings me the most. i can feel my dream ego desperate to speak to my stubborn waking ego, trying way too hard to be a good citizen. it’s all bullshit, the ego thinking it can control everything, and shirk vulnerability. we are all crazy deep down, i say this poetically and with love. i am intent on listening to my dream ego and allowing my unconscious feelings to surface and reveal themselves to the waking world. to reveal my sore spots. how out of control i feel in my heart. how much i don’t want to disappoint my family. how much my past and trauma has shaped me and my sensitivity, how much it scares me. i wish to do my best. i don’t want to judge myself and make my successes what makes me deserve love and my failures what makes me lose love. love is unconditional. i am love no matter what. i know i can figure this all out, meaning, my will is strong enough now to be more resourceful, supple, gentle, and open to what comes. this whole country might be about to fall apart and none of my goals may matter anyhow. meaning, life is full of surprises both happy and sad, good and bad. polarity is real, y’all. i am here to stay and when i am gone, i am at peace with that too. dream on…

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