free flow #35

it is becoming clear to me, this calling to move out of the city. not sure how far out or where, but i got some clarity yesterday about it (again). suburbs count, small towns count. i just mean out of the urban thick. sometimes what you need is not what you want, at first. meaning, you get so used to a way of life even though your soul needs something new and different. i can feel a deep longing for clean air, space, a place to hermit to balance out the work i will be doing next year. i feel i am outgrowing so much of what the city is about. well…except new york city. that place is different. and this could all change tomorrow, but i am writing it down because i feel the deep need. it’s not about linear change, anyhow. maybe i only need a few years away and then to plunge back in. i love cities. but i am outgrowing certain aspects and i don’t feel like explaining what i mean cause it’s too private for this free flow stream. dreams all night about insecurities, not surprising. i still don’t know what the future holds and do any of us? i can feel security being ripped away so easily. so in touch with the pain aspect of living and not fooled or lulled into thinking in terms of the american dream. at the same time you gotta let yourself have stability too if you have the chance to0, and honor the creature. it’s all about red and blue making purple. i crave clean air right now, even more than colors. i cannot tell you how large this craving is. i feel an impulse soul deep. i am dreaming about duvall because of how close it felt like missoula. remembering also a woman telling me about long beach, a totally different story. i could do california ocean life too. but it’s not easy to make that kind of move anymore, not until school is done at least. in 2018 i could. i am ready to move and yet feel so unable to actualize it but i know the first step is recognition. new life outside the city means getting a car and i have not driven in ages. but i will readjust. i need to. this body of mine needs change. i cannot just live one way over and over and over. i want to paint in a garage or basement or some place i can be really messy and never have to clean up and can collect canvasses like run on sentences. i know, this is all about me and i wont feel guilty because so much of the time it is not, in this psyche. winter brings reflection. it gets me to the tiny seed resting in the cold soil space. i recall what it means to love and i just keep seeing a place that feels like duvall. i fell in love with it up there. one little tiny town area to know everybody in, and lots of mountains around. i want i want i want. how how how? money money money. crap. money. ok, anyhow, soon i will back into the thick of an internship and school and working hard, much more than year one. who knows, maybe i find a roommate. i am obsessed with this topic this morning, i suppose, no rush. i read a blog of mine from two years ago where i was saying the exact same thing. my goodness, i can be slow. sometimes you know things well in advance of them actualizing i guess. sometimes you feel like a broken record. sometimes the the dream persists. what you resist will persist. very very true. you cannot walk away from what you try to avoid, lest you want it to bite you in the face. i walked into becoming a therapist, finally. i am walking into everything i have avoided these days. it’s not for everybody. you can live in avoidance your whole life probably and not get bitten in the face too. i mean, each of us has a different sequence of lessons. i seem to be unable to avoid avoidance. i am the queen of swords and there is no way around it….

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