free flow #33

it’s all about attitude, shot through my mind like a shooting star this morning. victor frankl’s “man search for meaning” comes to mind and all of the pain from heavy to light. when things get really heavy on the spectrum of what is heavy for you, attitude becomes a golden elixir. woke up early this morning from the clicking sounds of my heater. the sky looks sleepy like it don’t want to wake up, but i do. thinking more about romantic love. first of all, fuck generalizing. pardon my french. i was thinking yesterday after my sweet words toward ex lovers, how much i don’t hold other people’s short comings against them and how that may be a strength of mine and yet also it’s like, learning how to hold out for the love that is good enough. the lover who gives back as much and in similar quality to what i give. has not happened yet. i am usually the one with a phd in emotional communication dating a sixth grader. i don’t say this to be arrogant, it’s just that levels are real. i am low level in other areas of my life. hierarchies are real. they don’t mean better or worse, it is not a judgement, it’s just a fact. like somebody who learns to do math, if they can do algebra, they are more versed in math than somebody who can only do addition. just like that. emotional communication has a spectrum of verse too. i happen to be extremely well versed and in the past date men who are not well versed and it causes all sorts of problems. every relationship is different too. tolerance levels, compatibility levels, happiness levels. i mean to say, that your relationship reflects you and is not some reflection of an objective rule about relationship. anyhow, what is good enough for me is being with a man who can communicate with me emotionally as an equal. a man who is working on himself and who is not defensive and can own up to his stuff. i mean, sure we all project onto one another our family of origin crap, the key is being able to recognize it and engage in dialogue and work through it. a man who wants to not do that, but just skate the surface, is not for me. he is good for somebody else. i am currently reading “middlemarch” and i just started so cannot say for sure but already resonating with dorothea because i struggle all the time with feeling like i am too much. yet i am experiencing an attitude shift these days. i am not too much. i am me and hopefully there is a match for me in the form of a true love partner and if not, well i am still me and i will write some sad story about it when i am elderly and call it out before death comes. what i wont do is minimize myself to fit into the box of a man i love, just to be with him. also, i don’t mind being easy going on people’s short comings. the ex who owes me almost two thousand dollars, took him almost two years to write me back about why he could not pay me back. it’s all about him, his woes and struggles. never mind how much it hurt for him to not write me, to distance himself like that, and also, i really need that money and just because i am not as hard up as him doesn’t mean i am some rich person who doesn’t need it. i would never treat somebody like that. at the same time, it was me who lent it and it was a mistake i learned along the way. and also, i know he does not mean to hurt me. it’s his short coming. he is not good at communicating and he also is probably projecting all sorts of stuff onto me and on himself too. or did, or whatever. point being, i don’t take it personally how i have been treated and i have compassion for him because i love him as a human being. this is easy for me to do and i don’t think it makes me a push over because my heart lives free inside. it is not low expectations of others, it is realistic. i don’t expect this fucked up world to produce perfect communication and fair treatment from others. i happen to be good at communicating but i don’t judge those who are not. like, in areas i am weak, it doesn’t feel good for those who are strong in those areas to judge me. nobody knows what is is like to walk in your shoes. emotional struggle, confusion, ignorance, pain, and suffering is very real. all this being said, i have learned now, to make sure i am with somebody on the same playing field so we can be equals, before i give myself. that was a mistake i made over and over in the past and each time the same result happened. you cannot rush good love. i will wait for the right love and i will embrace it with all of its complications, all of the good times and bad. relationships are hard and this is why i think attitude is everything, this morning. because how you choose to narrate the story makes more of an emotional impact than the story itself. truth be told, from one person’s opinionated mouth. i say all of this as the pink clouds hover over the mountains in the distance, sweetening the deal. i think about the refugees every minute underneath these first world considerations. how families are being ripped apart, children killed. how they go through that while i ponder true love. i remember my dad once telling me about how life is random like that, how you could be the refugee or the rich privileged person for no reason, it’s just how the universe works. i feel this deep in my bones. it’s not karma, this is no reason for who plays what role. i could have just as easily been born anywhere. i don’t hold any judgement or reason as to who gets born as what. this is maybe why i find it easy to love, because it’s fucking brutal here and who you get born as, is random. my goal is to be as loving and forgiving as i can to balance it all out, to sweeten the deal like the clouds. i don’t mean to put myself on any high horse or mountain top. i got plenty of faults, shadows, weaknesses, a whole bouquet of them. i also just wanna say for the record, that a big learning edge for me is to know when to draw lines. there is a glimpse into a certain fragmented weakness learning to become whole inside of me. god, those pink clouds are glorious outside this morning. i wish to stare at dawn until it is over.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s