free flow #32

one of the best days ever yesterday, driving into small towns surrounded by snowy mountains. i love small towns. for as much as i am city rat i also feel a strong pull to live in a small town. i really fell in love with gold bar, monroe, and duvall, all three. i could see myself living there with a partner, or maybe even alone. just would need to find an agency job post graduation up there as not to commute. it felt like missoula and reminded me of my happy year when i lived there and lived in jeans and sweatshirts, feeling vital and sparkling like mountain spring water. i don’t like being up in the mountains very high or very much, i am more of a sea level creature, but i like being surrounded by them. we ate in a tiny cafe that served rice paper crepes and the waitress shared some of her life story. we found cheap as all hell jung books in the used book store, total score. i found the core of what i am experiencing, with words, the beauty and magic, the creative center. tears poured out at one point too, for what hurts. it was a dragon fly kaleidoscope. i listened to my friend’s amazing life stories in the mexican restaurant and felt such a deep passion for living through his past experiences so off the track of the mundane. i realized how much happier i feel when surrounded by a bit more nature, just a bit. in a vibrant small town kind of way. i dig it, i feel it. but that’s where the tears lay. in the fact that i still don’t know where i belong other than right here in the moment. my desire to be in love and create home continues to be shelved or floating, distant and unknowing. i wound up listening to the music of an ex before bed last night. his music is so good. my love for him is still alive and i did not leave because of not loving him. i left because we were not aligned and i knew it. i let my rational mind actualize my intuition because my heart wanted him completely and wanted to believe love was enough and we could make it work. but i don’t believe in love being enough, i am too pragmatic for that. it takes love and alignment of forces and mutuality and equal willingness too. and still relationships are a lot of work. but because i am ripened in my forties and wont be birthing any babies out of this body, i am more free to choose what i want. (as i feel love snicker behind me). ok, love, i know, we cannot choose who we love, we can only choose what we do with it. listening to my ex’s amazing music i could feel the in-love-ness like it never left. and it tortured me for a few moments. it was the hardest thing in the world to say goodbye to him. we were together for such a short time, but time don’t matter to me. i usually know in seconds. after that, it’s just a matter of what is realistically possible based on all the factors. i am old school like that but with a modern twist. i know love right away but i also know when to say no to it because i know how losing myself in another is the shadow path i am learning to transcend. i would have lost myself in him. i really could not live that far out into nature and i was way too sensual and affectionate of a creature for his style. my needs would have not been met and we would have either fought too much or lived with space and silence in between moments of bliss. he was not the last man i loved. there is one more. i had to stop being his friend because i could not just be his friend. i probably would have been able to just be his friend had we started out that way, but once the flood gates opened i could not shut them back up. i wanted much more or felt much more for him than him for me. still not exactly sure because his defenses play all sorts of games, but at least he tried his best to be honest with me and i was the one who let too many boundaries down because i wanted him. love is powerful. all i know is that i will keep saying no unless it is the equal love. i am not the kind of gal who puts love first and never will be. we have to be aligned pragmatically and romantically. we have to both be working on ourselves, able to emotionally communicate and own our projections, sexually compatible, and wanting a similar lifestyle. i need sacred space around me and i need to give sacred space to him. i also need deep intimacy, not amateur intimacy. i need to soul gaze and trust and be trusted. this is me and my values. everyone’s are different. i want to move fast at this point in my life and i want to live romantically too. the pragmatism is the green light and once given the love can take flight. it’s like, the pragmatism protects my heart and allows for love to unfold once my intuition gives the go ahead. every man i have been with, i love still, even if i am not in love with him. even two that were mean to me in the end. the one who called me crazy and the one who said i did not make the cut. those guys were just in their egos. i know they loved me. we just were not meant to be. i am all about the sacred exit and even if it was not so sacred, big deal. i don’t expect much from humanity but if i am going to commit, my value is worth a lot and i am not willing to settle because i can be alone and be just fine with it. i don’t fuel myself on sentiment. i am athena in the core, the queen of swords, i am a lesson learner, my love wont live behind bars. i am a tough cookie even though i am sensitive creature. we all have our strengths and weaknesses. i am strong in not staying long in unhealthy relationships and in being alone and going without sex for long periods of time. i am weak in other areas that would make this blog too long. i just wanna say for the record, i loved you so deeply, mr. and i am sorry we did not work out. not working out does not take away the love and deep admiration i have for you. i wish life was not so complicated too. love is a mystery and i am happy to be able to create some love stories in my day. i want to create the story of true love now. i say create because i believe it is a creation and not fate per se. or maybe it is both and maybe i don’t know who is good for me. or maybe i do and it’s just a matter of destiny aligning our forces to be ready for each other. true love, when you gonna come my way?

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