free flow #30

do you ever have dreams at night that are just insane? the dreams i had last night reminded of old insanity dreams i used to have that were like the movie “jacob’s ladder” where i kept switching realities violently and not knowing which reality was the real one. last night was a different flavor. everythingness. in a group type of situation that has no label, cats climbing down from the heaters and jumping in front of the speaker, everything happening quickly and at once, no space to figure anything out, no logic. i know why i dreamed it. you might relate to my type of sensitivity that has to do with having enough time in between moments of action to breathe, to have space. if too much keeps happening all at once, i start to feel anxious and confused, and i can lose my center. this is why i like a lot of solitude and quiet. when the moment becomes too crammed with activity, especially multi-tasking activity of many kinds, i can feel my emotions begin to lose their center of gravity. immediately i think of an episode of “mozart in the jungle” i watched last night, where haley’s best friend is screaming obscenities at her while she plays a song on the oboe, to practice her focus. not unraveling due to external circumstances. life long lesson? i love that show because the life i wish i could live is contained in that show. the life of a successful musician in new york city, a life devoted to art. it’s a real loss and that’s all there is to it. life does not guarantee dreams coming true. in fact, most of our dreams do not come true, due to a mixture of what we face in life and our own abilities to create. very few achieve the dream, but i am still a dreamer and i am not the only one. i may be letting go of my dream of being a successful artist in new york city but i am not letting my dream go of helping all of us rise from the muck of our current conflicts. sometimes the healing work must come first, unless you want to live in a selfish bubble and not use your privilege to help what we all need the most. i can’t do that. some dreams die because the heart beats to something stronger, less pretty, harder, less romantic, more intense, more necessary. the american dream never talks about that. it’s always self centered on one’s own dream. don’t get me wrong, i am not an extremist. i am about harmony. i want to live for me and us, in harmony. sacrifice is outdated as much as self centeredness is outdated. both extremes make up a sado masochistic relationship that i am not partaking of in this life. i balance my extremes by making art and helping others and letting go of the “making it as an artist” part and facing up to my calling to be here to love others and not to be successful in the eyes of others. this is not easy stuff but it’s also not quite that hard either. i feel peace in loss and surrender in the calling. i feel ease underneath the story. yet the story is vital too. another pair of extremes, to live inside the story as if it is who you are, and to never partake of the story because the mind is just the mind and not who we are. i dissolve both extremes in my love by honoring the story and making it precious and important, while also knowing i am deeper and we are all deeper than the story. get me out of the extremes is the theme. even the extreme of getting out of extremes. for instance, an extreme i would love to embrace is to never eat a cruelly killed or treated animal again. not there. still fall from grace. compassion for the journey. another extreme i would like to embrace is to do yoga every day. not there. still cannot get beyond four days a week. the journey is what it is. i am flawed and supple and these little problems are nothing. the big problem is really learning to hold onto my center no matter what is happening outside of me. this is the mastery journey. some people are thrust into this journey so hard core, and i think of them every day and send energy for their journey. the refugee child, the prisoner of war, the wrongly accused, the raped and abused. so much pain, so many hearts lying splattered all over the floor. there is no way for me to ignore it. the paradox becomes clear as i learn that my love is medicine and my ease to move through this semi-hell zone place is a gift to give. the mountains are being bathed in a slightly orange hue from the sun this morning. the sky is clear so i see the entire range lit up with snow, standing tall and still. ironically to the naked eye, the yellow crane looms much higher above the mountains. as if.

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