venus, calling to you now. sunday, feeling you like a slow cow. wanting to rhyme for the hell of it, can’t stop the desire to make well of it. just kidding. these words mean nothing. i am shrinking like shrink wrap into the summer of another life so that when the marshmallows burn i wont be left with untapped nostalgia. i am truly not going to worry about making sense let the words flow out like hot pink turn table nightmares turned to lilies like when sidartha turned his enemies into roses. i touch roses. hot sweater and winter weather and not wanting to make the same lame donkey mistakes. rising up the flood gates to quit and destroy and get off the radar. reading an autobiography of a schizophrenic girl and motivational interviewing, wanting more more more wanting to to study more more more the intrinsic nuances of human nature and wondering how my beating heart will be in the moment when it’s live and thinking about all of my clients and now i am switching it all up and it’s this calling thing like a camp fire and it’s this walk into resistance like a bonfire and it’s this destruction of the old ways like a forest fire and i am pretty sure nobody reads these blogs so i feel more free to let out the shaded parts of me in a free flow stream. i don’t own them. i don’t own me. i rent this body and life. these personality traits descend and occupy space because underneath i am the luminous emptiness. i am backwards by design because i feel death is home and life is death and this strange existence does not feel quite alive and i am ok with this because i can understand it and it does not scare me. the only things that scare me are things that scare a three year old. the big things scare much less. the little things loom like crazy ass shadow boogie men. stress: men. but i love men so much too. it’s the overpowering type. the domination and eating of the will type. the loss of power. the loss of sovereignty. and it’s so weird to have the metaphysical reality climb back inside not caring to reveal itself so much, and i feel a little bit nauseous this morning too for some reason. so i call venus and i say break on through to my chaotic insides. but my insides really are not chaotic, they are just scared and the natural chaos that makes everything alive is acting as it should be, very playful. i don’t feel any strong sense of attachment this morning like a star has taken over my body and my eyes are much bigger than any one person even though i know i am one person for the time being as this time being and i get it all but my mind wants to expand past what i get you know like dr. suess catching new realties in a hot pink fishing net. it’s all hot pink. the center of flowers, the color of beets, the way my heart beats, the desire and love, the painting and the song, the joy trying to break out of the chrysalis, to claim her butterflyship. butterfly ship, now that’s some hippie shit. i am a hippie through and through and if anyone makes fun of me for it i don’t mind cause i look at them with love for why and put a flower in their tear dropped mind and smile cause i know that i am scared too. blah blah blahing my way from infant to old age to death where this spirit is free from the cage and i take my place back in the ethers from whence i came and the heart beats wanting to land here more more more underneath his comforting breath and taking a screen shot and double shot of espresso before death and saying holy crap i am here and it’s this me character i am playing as i look out at the hand creating me on pen and paper and other such metaphors that continually zoom in and out and all i am wanting to do is expand expand expand.