snow, cold, stillness, a rest, a break…
anxiety rising yesterday….big big big. so afraid. not wanting to face the fear. desiring to run away. the past looming large. loyalty to the old kingdom playing the horn. crying, over eating, pulling too many cards.
listening to the call is like listening to gandolf, like listening to a wolf and to the moon, like walking into the fire instead away from it, like facing everything i resist and not avoiding or placating it…
so much sleep every night from sleeping in thirty degrees. cure for insomnia: sleep in thirty degrees. you will not wake up once.
if i am not creative soon i might implode but i feel so far away from it. i feel so far away from my henry miller anais nin victor huge alice walker roots. i feel so far away from saying it like it is in the heart cause i am spending so much time learning how to say it right that everything feels off.
the line between knowing and learning, trusting and changing…is made of gossamer and spittle…
the priestess did not kick me out of her mamma bird nest, she would never do that, i got up and walked out all on my own like she knew i would, knowing she is inside of me as an archetype, as a future self, a higher self, a core self, a real self, a light….a light that never goes out, a light to light when all other lights go out…
it sucks being more sensitive than others but i gotta stop comparing.
shame sucks. but i gotta take it to tea. shame? wanna have tea? (shame says, why yes, thank you.)
shame: i am not adaptable like the others. i am the runt. i am darwin’s not fit to survive one. i am a diagnosis and a problem. this world is not made for me. this world is too harsh for me and they laugh at me and call me fat and ugly and there is nowhere to hide anymore and if i run out of places i know one place i can go but i wont go there anymore so i feel very trapped, very trapped. help me.
light: sweet shame, i feel your pain, my little favorite runt of the litter, it’s ok you are so very sensitive and gentle. in fact, it’s a good thing because this world really does need your softness and delicacy. i know you fear being eaten alive by the harshness of this world, but i am on your side, and i am here to tell you that you are here to give softness to the harshness, you are a gift…and if they laugh at you or think you are weak, you just let the tears out and come back to me, because i am your truth and i am here to tell you that they only laugh and judge because they cannot find the softness inside themselves.
shame: you make me feel better with your words, i think you may be right. can i have a name that means i am worthy? can i have a name that means my softness is right? can i have a name that means everything i have been through is an important facet of the journey? i want a name to emblazon with me with your light, so that i can carry it with me.
light: what name would you like? do you hear a sound inside? do you want me to name you?
shame: it starts with a “b” is all i can feel, do you know the next sound?
light: i think of briah because that is short for the kabbalistic term for the realm where the archetypes are named, but this feels heady and intellectual, not intuitive like you. what do you think?
shame: breeeeeeahhhhhhhhhhh, sounds like breathe…….breeeeethaaaaahhhhh…..i am feeling brigid come to me, remember how her name is pronounces breet in the celtic lore?
light: yes, breet is brigid and she is deeply comforting and strong in her softness like you, a light to carry into the human world to be a comfort for you….i feel this too.
shame: breet, briah, brigid, i feel unsure which one is right and best. let me sound them out and put the name to the test. breeeet (too sharp). briahhhhhhh (i like it). brigid (too sharp). briah feels good, feels like breathing and brigid and the bridge from me to enter the scary places with the beating heart of the divine as my heart beat, like you have scooped me up out of the shadows where you were resisting me and now you are placing me in the cradle of life.
light: briah, i am so very sorry for abandoning you in the shadows. it’s my bad. i was ignorant and trying to make you go away, i feel just awful about it…just awful…..will you forgive me?
briah: it hurts that you ignored me because it means you did what all those people did to me too, you treated me just the same and i don’t deserve that. but here’s the weird thing…just as you admitted your bad, i realize i am not bad. i realize the way they treated me is not my fault, but the weird thing is, it took you admitting you did it for me to see it in them. so…your confession just became my medicine and i feel strangely free!
light: this makes me so happy! i know there is no excuse for my bad, i can only hope that my realizing how awful i treated you leading you to realize that you are not bad is enough to receive your forgiveness and we can repair our relationship?
briah: yes, it is enough. i love you, light, i need you, you are a part of me just as much as i am a part of you. i understand how it happened, even though i played the role of victim. we all play all the roles, i could have just as easily been you and you could have just as easily been me. the role is not me and you are not the role either. we just happened to wind up as you being light and me being shadow, and i could have just as easily been the role that judges and marginalizes the shadow too. i see me in you.
light: your wisdom is breath taking.
briah: that’s why my name is briah. because i am the wisdom of breath and i needed to become a shadow to understand how it all works because you see, as a shadow, there is nothing much else to do but contemplate how it all works. in the shadow realm there is no getting what you want or doing things to better yourself or having relationships. it’s all lonely and isolated, but the real truth is that it’s not. because the darkness is the soil, it is earth holding us and filling our blind little selves with love so we can understand that we are loved and that we will be remembered by the sun light once again and once we are remembered, we will grow into a flower. you are the sun that has remembered me and now i will grow into a flower. a flower names briah.
light: wow. i am silenced by your understanding. i don’t know what else to say other than, i love you my flowering briah and i thank you for forgiving me, understanding me, and naming the healing process with truth i can feel that causes me to shine all over you and fill you with radiance.
briah: we are complete, sunshine. i love you too.