free flow #24

sadly, i think not only may i stop blogging, but i may also make this whole site private, and/or be done with it, or something. maybe i only keep up my art site and then maybe i open an anonymous private blog not connected to my name. i realize that seeing clients as  therapist is very different than seeing clients as a spiritual counselor, due to ethics. i originally put this site up to market myself as a spiritual healer, writer, and artist, when i was going the non-traditional route with healing work. now that i am going the traditional route, i am feeling like i need to not blog under my name anymore and i am for sure shutting down my work as a reader until i am in private practice and can use the cards as i choose with clients, when i am no longer working for an agency. there is grief rising in my heart. i never wanted to travel down the traditional path, but that’s my ego talking. how do i know this? i can just feel it. i can feel i am doing what is right inside and it is scary to do what is right. i never really felt the passion to be a spiritual healer by marketable trade. mind you, this is all about the persona, not the work itself. i do what i do under any persona. becoming a therapist is no different than being a spiritual healer in the content of what i do (once i am in private practice) but it is very different in the outward appearance, in billing choices, in populations i can reach, and in terms of who i work with concerning levels of mental illness. what i find interesting is that although it scares me to enter the world of red tape, government, codes, dsm-5, left brain dominant cultural paradigm stuff, and although i don’t really dig it or believe in it, it feels right. often what feels right is not what i prefer. that’s just me. just like when i was trying to make it as a painter, it never felt right even though i love painting and enjoy selling and showing. this was another personal thing that did not feel right. what feels right is the path i am on even though it is walking into a fire. the calling is not about what my ego prefers. it is not even about happiness. this culture is so overly focused on happiness. as far as happiness goes, for me, i find happiness in things not persona or vision oriented. happiness is connection with those i love and the small moments of beauty and creativity, laughter, and awe. the calling to be a healer, well…first of all, it’s not to be a healer. i am a healer, i cannot not be a healer. the calling is not about who i am. it is about how i connect to this life and to others. the calling is to be of service. this is not about happiness. it is much deeper than happiness. i am not sure there is an english word for it. i have a hallucination there may be a japanese word for it. anyhow, i feel the calling strong and it takes me down a path i follow and it feels right and i know the feeling of right more than any other feeling i know. it’s a feeling of congruency and this feeling of congruency can often be very different than my preferences. i mean, my preferences are pretty much those of a wild capricious rogue gypsy spirit who cannot be caught or contained. my preferences are nomadic and unhinged from society, misanthropic and often even destructive. sometimes my preferences swing the other direction and all i want is to be alone with my partner and a few friends by the sea or in the mountains, and to write and paint, have peace, and be far away from humanity. my preferences are fantasies and desires. i honor them and i notice they are not the same as the calling. the calling is bigger and more centered inside. like the sun all the planets gravitate around. like the light that makes me appear as michelle for one time only. speaking of being here for one time only, lately i have felt that all past lives have collapsed inside of me and no longer exist. the now is confiscating all other time frames. it’s hard to explain but i am just riding the ride. i don’t control the ride. i don’t want to stop public blogging or having my site but i think i have to, this is the thing. i will do what i have to do, this i know. i mean, my blogs are not that personal and are usually not so fun to read either, so maybe it is ok? i don’t know. i need to get some advise. the sky is blue again this morning. i love it. i love the freezing cold weather, i admit. sunny cold winter is when i feel most alive. minus the christmas part of everything. i am such a grinch. i don’t mind if others love christmas, to each their own. personally, i would be overjoyed if the holiday, it’s music and the whole putting up a tree and presents thing vanished from culture. the only part i like are all the pretty lights. i just want to find one person who feels the same as me, but i am always surrounded by christmas lovers. it’s actually quite hilarious how that is my reality. i am thinking about how often this is my reality. and i can see why. by being polarized i strengthen my true essence which is the true essence of something larger than me that is me. oh, semantics. polarity is the name of my game, often.

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