free flow #22

life is feeling surreal which winter can do when suddenly the world around you freezes and your apartment is like an ice box and you cannot even fathom running around the city like you are used to and you put pajamas on at five o’clock. doing yoga at eight pm in pjs once the ice box heats up to at least sixty five degrees cause if i don’t move my body i will lose my mind body connection and if lose my mind body connection i will start to believe the deluded stories that make themselves on autopilot due to family and culture of origin patterning and i don’t have the space anymore to invest in any stories that are not true to my true nature and i know my true nature well by now. my best friend is my true nature and i am protective of her though i remember quan yin and she is gentle with fear. fear is gentle. soil is darkness. i am the seed. this world is the seed in the dark soil of the universe. i stand inside of darkness like an eager seed. i nestle inside of darkness like a sleepy seed. i call out to pleasure cause this i need cause sometimes it truly is too much work no play and yet this is a delusion too because as i write this i am playing and so many things i do are playing and this is stupid, why am i even writing this, because it is a stream of consciousness at six am and i am have to get dressed in a few minutes so truly not letting my fingers stop tapping the keys i wont i will keep letting them and stop using commas and everything and get real real real low brow real punk rock real whatever use your culturally appropriate word or what have you, i don’t care, i don’t mind, my mind has space for anything you might say or want to do with love and acceptance for how the thoughts come into you. you know your thoughts are not your own, right? the me is the breath and the feeling is the quality of connection to that breath. i want to be present with you. i want to not use words but feel our connection so fiery and comforting and timeless and not needing anything but space to explore and digest the magnificence of this comfort and love and curiosity and the feeling that life is new again. the full moon dripping on top of cold snowy mountains. the new moon hiding from the newness of the moment for just a minute while she figure out how to do it. the black morning containing birds the eyes cannot see singing tunes the ears cannot hear and this moment right now when i end this free flow blog and decide what to wear. all in day, and stuff….leave the stuff out, nahhh, gonna embrace the american teenager visiting me this morning…

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