i am officially a second year grad student as of last night. tears of everything. passion rising like a phoenix from fire ashes #432. joy bright yellow and hot pink leopard print. bright red pants cause that’s the kind of guy i am and the woman she is deep dark chocolate blue waiting to be melted and poured into the cup that doesn’t leak as she fills hearts leaking with solid bass drum love. they said i was a bass drum and it was a shock and a blessing cause it’s true. she knew i was floating too high above my feelings and brought me down so easy into the beautiful sadness of goodbye. so much grace. so amazed by how beautiful everybody radiates. powerful five days. i have forgotten how to free flow though, in writing. did it in body and voice with my sister beside me the whole time. she guiding the channeling and embodying sacred ritual. me being the underworld and holding little b in love. all fear is gentle. the darkness is soil and being in the darkness is to be a seed in the soil. don’t let those five hands spoil the underworld with their claims of terror. that terrorized underworld is the underworld that gets created when the underworld is avoided. know the difference between exploitation and true essence. know the difference between exploitation and true essence. know the difference. it’s everything in today’s smear of consciousness. threat of a tiger looking for dinner is very different than the threat of a man trying to gain more and more power by stepping on human heads. one is for survival and one is cause the heart of the threat bearer feels dead. notice the nuances. see the subtleties. don’t let the screen of your iphones turn you into a walking disease. ok? look down and see the earth that supports you. feel gravity. feel the heart beating in your chest and dreams that flutter from the heart ask for your attention even if the dream is just to have a slow breakfast. it snowed a little bit this morning. wonder and beauty. so cold right now that i slept like a bear. so cold in the cold apartment that i burn rose incense to remind myself that warmth is somewhere. it’s actually inside where my body feels like a fire place. the sky is white and milky. the yellow crane greets me good morning while i type listening to binaural beats sound healing. we made our declarations yesterday and it was hard to say but i felt cheerful and bright. jupiter is visiting alright. how weird that once he visits he shows up everywhere such as a friend posting a six year old post on facebook of the sounds of jupiter. we live on a planet in a universe, can you believe it? we have skin and eyes, we have thoughts and we are alive. i am mystified by the beauty this morning. i am noticing how nothing awful shocks me. not rape, murder, betrayal, lies, oppression. none of the shadow stuff. i don’t expect people to be on their best behavior after being raised in fucked up homes with our dominant culture paradigm and sure as hell don’t take it personally when somebody projects it onto me. most people fear intimacy and do all sorts of things to keep others at a distance. the spectrum goes light to heavy. i am determined to heal myself to help tend to the souls of others in their healing journey. i am on constant clean up duty. it all is what it is. but you know what shocks me every single day? being alive. having eyes. having this body. being on this planet. it’s so fucking amazing. each day feels like something big and beautiful like a bulbous full moon dripping on top of mountains. give me more more more till death takes me….