i think i am almost better now after a bagillion hours of sleep and solitude but i need an attitude adjustment. i am caught in a negative spider web right now and i see it clearly, watching my mind spit out statements that don’t really define me. fear lurks beneath the spider web of negativity. fear of never finding love. fear of ruining my progress. fear of making wrong choices. the “fear of” part, is the mind. the fear itself is my body walking through the fire, see, cause i am doing things different. i am not avoiding. what video was it last night out of the bagillion psychology videos i watched….where you fear the most is where you have the most to give. something like that. yes, indeed my soul lights up with this. i am fighting all the warriors of my old kingdom trying to get me to be loyal to unhappiness right now. i feel it in my cells in the form of resistance. i can see how “personality disorders” are really ingrained multi-generational processes. i can see how i am transforming my avoidance into joining through action steps and how my avoidance is an ingrained kingdom put in place many generations before me. i can hear my ancestors whisper in my ear like it was my own thought, “my happiness does not matter.” i can feel woman after woman on both my parent’s sides, and the men on my dad’s side. they feel defeated. i am not just me. i am my entire ancestral line, forwards and back. though i end the line actually, so there is no forward, unless my niece’s children count? not sure. before school i was not interested whatsoever in the horizontal ancestry of my being. only the vertical. the horizontal is the bloodline. the vertical is the soul’s lineage. you know what i intuit? that on my mom’s side, way way way back in time, there was an earth priestess who got coopted into judaism and her power got lost and then down the line the power was never picked back up until me. so many of us are the ones waking up to the ancestral healing work. my cohort-mates are the chosen ones. you hear so much about honoring diversity of religion, which is a good thing, but you never hear about how the earth religions were absorbed by the abrahamic religions and lost all their power. the stories of oppression are infinite in this realm. what do i know to do? gain my power back. little by little. this is why i am walking into the fire and not away from it. the vertical ancestry got boring. i admit, i am bored with everything metaphysical. i know my soul roots and have showered in metaphysical information for twenty five years now. my cup is overflowing. i don’t have any passion for it currently. all of my passion is rooted in the horizontal ancestry’s story, voices of pain that need to be heard, and re-authoring the story. this will eventually snake back the myth stored in my belly that must be written. yet for now i have school and an internship. the fire. with each step into the fire i feel low self worth, fear, doubt, and uncertainty. how could i not? to re-author this story i have to first honor the shadow voice, without being loyal to the old kingdom. how do you do this? i bring low self worth, fear, doubt, and uncertainty to my heart like a loving solid earth mother, like capricorn. i don’t believe the stories they tell, but i listen to them with kindness. after listening and saying back, “i understand, it makes sense you feel this way because of a, b, c, d, ” i suggest we walk hand in hand toward the thing they are resisting, telling them it’s ok to freak out. my presence alone calms them. as we enter the fire together, they discover something positive inside of it, such as the beauty of the light. this is where the re-authoring begins. with the very first sentence. “the beauty of the light showed me the beauty of me.” with this sentence alone a flood of love gushes backward into my ancestral line, which they all feel and it causes them to sing. this song fills my cells with joy. as i fill with beauty and joy, the fuel to re-author increases, as we walk into the fire more and more and more, until we walk out the other side…a phoenix. hang on, sweet child.