free flow #16

at the airport on the other side of this tummy flu, a million deep dreams, family, so much rest, overwhelm, detachment, i don’t even know. swirls. compensating dreams of low self worth, not being picked, not being heard, over and over, bubbling up like toxic champagne from the unconscious deep and i swear it felt like a deep cleaning. this shit is ingrained. loyalty to the old kingdom is powerful and you can’t change the world until you change yourself. being back in my family of origin home after steeping neck deep in family systems self work for the past chunk of months really took me there. i see so clear the tendencies and feel so strong the love. it hurts so much cause i care. there is no getting over the self in the west, so get over getting over it. our individual inner selves cannot just be banked on a shelf. though if you have a different experience, wonderful. still ultra-sensitive to not being a filled cup of i know and let me tell you. glow worm’s adolescence inside of me makes this true in the way teenagers feel it. with passion. with passion i allow for a variety of knowledge. the only thing i stand true on is equality for all people and love. just like a dirty hippie. i say dirty hippie cause of some meme i saw on facebook about it today and it made me think of how we insult identities to avoid the issues the identities wrap around. like focusing on the dirtiness of a hippie’s identity versus how a hippie stands for love. or focusing on a vegan’s self righteous identity versus that resistance they stand for against animal cruelty. on and on. prejudice of skin, sex, gender, religion is also identity based. so much sickness attached to identity. not that not having identity is any better. collective identity is still identity nonetheless. humans are a real mess. i smell buttered pretzels and feel the saltiness of virginia land about to leave me. take me home to the mothership. back to cold rainy solitude. each moment is another interpretation. it’s confusing but my intuition is not confused, only logic. intuition says this is all meant to be and sorry if this sounds like white girl spirituality. maybe it really does. maybe i am enacting a cultural dominant spiritual paradigm. maybe my intuition is really a biological safety net built in to help me survive and evolutionary psychologists are right. maybe astrology is delusion and the only reason it makes sense to my soul is cause of delusional hunger to know. no. i know. i do know what i know in intuition. i can only empty out certain things for so long. what i know i know: i am the dream of stars, my soul chose to be here specifically as michelle in this life, i am not on the karmic wheel of life, death, and rebirth, i will not be here again after i die as human but stay as a spiritual being to help, mu is a myth i must tell and make it artistic, neptune and mercury are my best friends, the dead would give so much to be here but they will be anyways. i don’t want to say anymore. ahhhhhhhhh, how good it feels to let that out, like farting, pooping, having sex, or eating a super ripe peach on a hot summer day. i need a fucking break from the mind metabolizing the scary shadow on the rise. but there is no break, only complementarity. like a mommy and daddy i have my two complimenting sides cause i am libra lunar on a ride to balance polarities. does this mean? yes, ok, you can have a say too. who? not logic. not intuition. who? the eagle part, great spirit. ok, great spirit, your turn, what do you know? i know these are all stories and perceptions and when they all fall away what is remaining is the is-ing is of is-ness is-ing, and this is-ness is love. the end. (no end)………on and on……

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