free flow #15

ironic tummy flu hit this body during thanksgiving vacation in virginia. a variety of feelings emit from this weak heart feeling like a dying autumn leaf while the belly aches. sadness for the real meaning of this day, representing the tragedy of land being taken from the natives. love and sadness mixing colors in my heart to make some shade of dusty rose or soft purple for the protestors at standing rock. bummed out that i cannot participate in family celebration fully but instead mostly fast so maybe this is my spirit honoring the sorrow and way i really feel about this day while also feeling love for my family. grateful for how i am accepted for who i am by my family. we have unconditional love for one another even if i am the black sheep. this is a gift. i want to focus on it. intense dreams last night about self worth levels wanting to wane just like my physical health. it’s so strong, the urge to give in to feeling less-than and incapable to face this world. i resist this story just as i resist the white nationalist movement growing scarily as they feel the new pres. is their gateway to power. i understand psychologically that they fear differences and are so undifferentiated inside, so scared, that they must resort to prejudice and seeing segregation as the answer. although my urge is to hate them my soul knows they need love more than anyone, because if love was strong enough in their hearts they would not be prejudice. prejudice is a consequence of a lack of love. love is the medicine. i think about jordan peterson’s lecture on the nature’s ancient dominance hierarchy about how nature naturally creates a hierarchy no matter what and i wonder how much prejudice and violence is just a fact of nature and how much of it is a sickness that thrives on the suppression of the feminine energy with every single one of us, despite gender or sex. i want to understand how this happening. i am fucking scared shitless. i feel overwhelmed and realize i need new self care to be present and a force of love. not sure what that is yet. the thanksgiving parade is playing on the television and it feels like such a charade to me. this is just how i feel. i used to rebel harder. like the thanksgiving years ago the family went to disney world and i refused to celebrate and walked around alone while they ate turkey in some restaurant. as i have gotten older i have learned to juggle emotions and realities. to honor loving my own family and how they choose to celebrate while also feeling my own way about it. personally, i don’t have a celebratory nature no matter what. i just don’t. i don’t like repetitive rituals of any sort, i don’t practice regular rituals of any kind not even of the pagan kind. i live more in a state of spontaneity. this is me. there is so much structure already with all the self care and work. i don’t want my free time mandated by the repeat button. totally bores me. i am such a iconoclast at heart, really. the divine is emergent to me and this is where i hold eternal reverence. otherwise my natural urge is to bust systems, the pleaidian way, dontcha know. at the same time, with age and wisdom of living, comes the desire to honor the way others are too. i don’t want to dominate. been really focused on the energy that exudes from people when they are talking about what they think they know they know. it bothers me when there is no room in the human heart for more truth. it feels so dominating. i am anti-domination. i am pro-softness and openness. i want there to always be more room in the cup that is never full. this is why i am shedding metaphysical dogma i have built up over the years being a healer. at the core, is simply the power of love. i will always and forever come back love. i hold love today in all the various feelings coursing through in blue lily storms. love is my money, gold, nectar, food.

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