dream of a while scraggly kitten i am pondering to take home among other things. deep dreams every night and waking up hungover from them almost. emotions rising like a tide and subsiding like a tide and rising like a tide and subsiding like a tide and rising like a tide and subsiding like a tide, all of them rising and subsiding. well, not all of them. i feel no anger. only sorrow on the shadow end. realizing how the projection of my agency is a way to not own it being pointed out by a friend causing a landslide of awakening that brings me closer to princess angeline. understanding that owning my agency and not releasing it through anger toward the external agents allows me to turn anger into love, by the sheer force of the divine mixing colors on my insides. feeling my agency. feeling scared for those being targeted, feeling scared for those who face daily aggression against them, feeling a strong prayer inside that the path through is more united for equality and less divided by schemas deeply ingrained into the collective soul to feel the threat of the taking away of what is precious. so much taking away fear. so much fear. i am swallowing gulps of air whole like rain drops and snow flakes and nuggets of gold. in a whirlwind. in a snow globe. in this body. wanting his arms to wrap tightly around me. wishing to press my back against his chest when the eyes close. to feel secure attachment in bold font that writes thousands of pages and yet my desires elongate like a trapeze artist reaching into the air for her partner and with focused eyes, remains calm. there’s a net that catches me each time i am wrong. and in the meantime i am learning how to tightrope walk. pretty cool to tightrope walk. always enjoyed the art of grace and balance. what else to occupy these empty moments? sing a song along side community. will i stay on the hill after all? is my sanga the vajra still? or is this just romantic talk and i am leaving? i cannot tell anymore. two souls are changing guards. gypsy and land soulmate. gypsy and hill rat. gypsy and ? who am i to become? who am i now? different cause of school, my cohort, this growing inside. so different. are you different? how do you react? what is underneath your reactivity? we cannot keep blaming the external for what is bad only, you know? owning the shadow is owning the agency is owning the membership and loyalty to the old kingdom where we walk on heads to get ahead unconsciously. you want him to stop his terror but you eat meat that was once an animal being cruelly treated and you wear clothes made by near slaves and use a phone made my near slaves and you take part in enjoying the product’s benefits while it was made by animals and people who were cruelly treated. this is agency operating. i am seeing it inside of me. when i say you i say me. you is me is every way these days. vegan is my way because it is a form of being kind to sentient life i can make happen each day. what else can i do?