free flow #10

sadness and grief is visiting me as if they’ve moved in for good. good thing i went for a jog yesterday. both after school and the next morning, my self care was impeccable. i felt sad being alone after school but sang it out and found joy. i woke up in the morning and ran off my feelings. went to the cafe to meet other cohort for writing. feeling positive until it hit around five pm. feeling distant, lonely, sad, displaced. grief. no cozy home to return to. on the bus to the studio alone. no pet. no partner. no friend that i talk to every day even though i have so many friends and people who love me. all of this activated even more by the election. by the reality we’ve entered. my bloodline’s displacement. my bloodline’s sorrow. my bloodline’s worry. did not do such a good job at tending last night. not horrible though. taurus full moon all about security and sensuality, the physical world. my physical world is where the pain throbs. it hurts so much. i am allowing myself to witness the hurting and  working on not having a negative lens around it. the melody is so used to wailing that it will never come. i am choosing a lens of hope. i am worthy of equal partnership. i am worthy of having a home. i am worthy of touch and coziness. i am worthy of physical love. just because i am forty four and it still hasn’t happened yet is not a judgement of my character. just because i am still studio hopping, which in today’s economy and my financial status, is like hopping over hot coals, does not mean home wont be mine one day soon. just because i cannot afford a pet or a tropical vacation or a car or an apartment with more than one room in it, does not mean that it will never come. all is not lost. hope visit me, change my lens. muse of wishes stay close to my heart. nurturing mother of spirit keep whispering in my ear it will all be ok. i am lovable. i am love. i am home inside of myself. i am taking good care. i am a good person. i am surrounded by loving community. he cannot take this away even if so many have taken it away before in history. so many don’t have what they deserve. they don’t have the dignity, the rights, the money, the respect, the love, the life they deserve. fuck off, victim mentality. i wont feel sorry for myself or anybody else who does not have the physical life that matches their insides and their birthright. i will only feel the purity of sorrow and the purity of anger. i don’t feel much anger right now. only the grief and fear. i feel scared for my life. i feel scared for everyone’s lives. i don’t know what we will have to go through. maybe me not having the cozy human partnered home life, vacations and a sweet lifestyle with family is a good thing because when the shit hits the fan i wont be losing nearly as much as others who have those things, and i can be strong for others. noticing how i am catastrophizing. noticing how i am trying to find the positive in some round about fucked up way. i don’t want anyone’s cozy life to be ripped away. the election brings so much fear of this. my own sorrow extends out into community, country, world. i always do that. i don’t live in a bubble. but like she pointed out, i tend to abandon the feeling and i am learning not to abandon the feeling. stay with it. stay with this sorrow and put a new lens around it. taurus is fourth house for me so i am gonna be the nurturing soothing mother to myself while the sorrow and fear flares up. don’t worry child, your soulmate love is dreaming of you and he will be by your side soon. you will make a home together and add pets as children. you will cook dinners and go on vacations sometimes. you will have a real home and no longer be studio hopping over hot coals. and even if not, even if the world comes crumbling down cause the karma gets set on fire, you will find joy and love in the small moments of the grand displacement everyone must go through. i mean, lets get real people. this land was taken from native people in a violent cruel way. nobody gets away with that. many individuals have loving hearts and yet the collective karma is what plays out. from stealing land from one race to enslaving another race, all the while women being treated like possessions or cattle, and all lgbtq people living in fear and hiding until recently, and still many do, and lets not forget how we treat the animals, it is their holocaust happening too. every time you eat animal products you are eating cruelty that if you saw it first hand, most of you would stop. oh and lets toss in the horrible treatment of the elderly who get tossed aside and made invisible. and the children who are abused by their families and have no voice. and the multigenerational bloodlines passing down the torch. i mean, we are in a real mess here. this mess we’ve made must surface and this karma must be dealt with. sorrow. grief. fear. i think of alex now, her line about getting to have lunch after fighting the good fight. no more martyrs. no more complete self sacrifice. back to mothering my little life. i can have a partner, a home, a pet and i can show up for my people, for love, and all that is life enhancing. this is the juggling act. toss me another ball…

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