dear god let me unravel. dear goddess this weekend was so intense. to witness a friend’s past so deeply in my heart. the thievery of it all. family of origin stealing what is oh so natural. the river of her. alex, dropping her golden nuggets for us all, tending to our hearts, this tangible i feel it perspective we’ve been asking for that she has too. we are one beautiful family. she opens the heart with her words. you gotta be there to understand. this weekend i am learning how to let my feelings flow. my fear of displacement. the danger of the underworld wanting to wreak havoc. i got this. i always do. but what about fun? how much is your life under control compared to the joy you feel? think about it and contemplate your draw to the color purple. i don’t know. my brain hurts. i used to think i was a boy and a chronic scab inhabited my nose. i am no lana del rey on the outside but i am on the inside. her shadow rings like tibetan bells inside of me. i needed to sing right when i got home. i did not eat or go out. i put on my pajamas, lit candles, made a martini and began belting my lungs out. two thoughts: last night people partied so loud i don’t give a shit how loud i sing anymore. the curse is living among twenty somethings who party hard and loud into the night and ruin my peace. the gift is that i get to ruin their peace by singing hella loud to indigo girls at 7 pm. it must torture them. we torture each other in the city. this is how i must look at things to live so close to everybody. i crave to be farther out but i am too scared to dream it. like alex said, it’s easier to dream small when you’ve been sad your whole life. she is the navigator of our boats. anyhow, home. i need to let it come to me. lover, you must come to me, too. i am not the activator, i am the receiver. why i know this i don’t know. i am listening to rain drops. i am deeply hurting. i am deeply deeply hurting for me and for everybody. i am deeply deeply hurting for me and everyone. no, i am not above it all. i have no desire to be mean. when he said he’s a goody two shoes, i said that is good. it’s this innocence. stage one, on some white male’a models. i see her doing her best to honor what was and be a bridge. we are so fucking angry. we are so fucking desperate. she understands this. i admire those who can say it to more than one person. i die inside with every little heart that must succumb to pain. fuck you, rationalizations. where do you place value? don’t you see that the most sexist thing to do is to devalue the physical experience, you fucking fucks?!!!! anger. help me to channel this, cause i think you know what we need. avoidant attachment likes blogs. i am being totally cryptic to anyone not in my cohort but i don’t care. how can you relate? how alone do you feel in your family? how alone do you feel in your culture? how badly does that isolation feel? imagine that you find a group of people that make you feel like everything is making sense inside. this is what i am experiencing. you don’t care. my humanity is not translating. my brain hurts. if you read through this i am impressed.