free flow #6

love potion number nine. basking in the divine. came down off the manic high i have been on since, well, you know….since we entered the reality where he becomes the president. i am watching my psyche make all the choices over my body’s actions. i am not doing things from my mind. i am just doing them. didn’t get anything done but was able to help a friend out and hug another friend and connect with her. this is how i feel. i don’t wanna describe it. i wanna dive into it. into the sea. the glow worm awakens. he is so powerful, that i am finding it hard to eat at times. he takes up a lot of space inside. he wants me to take him places, to take him everywhere. be around people a lot. winter humanity soup. be in the soup. be the glow in the soup. it’s him doing it. if i had if my way i would probably have a hard time resisting the urge to hermit. tibetan bowls sing in my ears. i just came down off the manic swing from grief, and it looked like me spending all my time with people until sleep talking and talking. i came down with singing really loud and powerfully for a while. my voice sounded so great, i was shocked and pleased and wished to be belting out from a stage a little, i admit. singing is still my favorite activity even though i don’t do it enough. i would like to still try to play the guitar for the millionth time so i can write songs. i have just never been good at it. singing is the only musical thing about me. watching stevie knicks interviews and listening to her sing also brought me back to the ground. i needed to come down to it. i needed to switch modes. my psyche is naturally doing it for me. i sound like a psychiatrist. i needed to not think about the tragedy for a minute. some people go out into nature, i sing. i would love to go out into nature. i am craving magic, my home, magic, my home, magic, my home, magic, my home, magic. winter bloom an old inner child of mine from back in the early nineties, i am thinking about her again. some new qualities are surfacing that remind me of old qualities. creative urges i cannot deny. when the shadow world begins you best be getting creative, that is rule number one. rule number two, birth yourself a glow worm. rule number three, cry the river styx into being and she will replenish you during these time. drink plenty of lemon water. i gotta get me some lemons. and it was all lemon. i drew a line, a drew a line for you. music. today music healed me. stevie knicks and surprisingly the indigo girls. i used to be way into them in the early nineties. early nineties is visiting, let me see here…..early 90’s: hippie beliot college days. long skirts. singing at open mics harmony on his songs and doing romeo and juliet covered by the indigo girls. a creative writing major. poetry still my favorite thing, just like it is with stevie. oh stevie. i drank coffee black back then. i was always around people. i remember when the war broke out and we found out together, my dorm mates and me, the 609’ers. i remember being obsessed with the color of the sky at dusk in wisconsin. cobalt blue. i painted myself watching it once, onto a stone slab, and my mother still has it as decor in her home. i tried to learn guitar. i laughed myself into oblivion all the time. noah and i were attached at the hip, but just as friends. he made me laugh till it hurt all the time. we sang “in the blue room” together, a song he wrote about his girlfriend. i got in a lot of trouble in the beginning. then i transformed myself really fast after realizing what i was doing. it was a strange time. lena and i would go for walks in the freezing ass cold at 5 am each morning, just to break our patterns of thought. it was during those years i saw duality and tried to escape it by trying to use words that did not have opposite words. it was near impossible. i wanted badly to eradicate duality. i thought it would somehow save me from my suffering. i totally get michael white and that’s why i keep bringing him into being. plus i am feeling his ghost. see, there’s still a lot of good. grief comes in waves. this is what we’ve been preparing for, all these years. it’s wrong and horrifying and what role will you play in the reality of it all? i know what role i am playing though it emerges in the moment too. stability is privilege and it could be a birth right. well, maybe not stability. this reality is highly unstable. but high falooten philosophizing hurts right now. it feels dishonoring. this stream is long because my belly is so full and writing helps deflate it. my belly holds it all. i am woman and my belly is where the power is, the full moon, the galaxy, everything wise and ancient is in there. i still wish it would be flatter, and although i accept that i don’t fully accept myself and understand the dominant culture story that has invaded what otherwise might be a positive association with a large tummy, i still wish it were flatter. humans are humans are humans are humans. i know he scares me too. when i looked into sage’s eyes today i saw her seeing my knowing seeing her knowing of how bad things could get. this is reality too. thinking of jordan peterson and his recent plight. thinking of jesus the man, not the god. thinking of pan who once sang merrily with his flute, exiled to the underworld. i think of the rejected masculine and the oppressed feminine. i am thinking too much. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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