sunday mutterings….

last  night i did yoga after almost a week off, which is what happened last week, and let me tell you…i could see how quickly my body had lost strength, flexibility, balance, and grace from only a few weeks of falling off the yoga wagon. it scared me because i got a taste of my old relationship with my body and it felt terrible. i realize how much satisfaction i give myself by feeling comfortable in my skin and for my body to feel aligned, strong and balanced. also, my tummy grew and this is always the continual battle. it’s hard enough having a full moon for a belly, so when it grows into a super moon, i can hardly deal. this is a multi-layered dialogue that covers everything from female expectations to body-mind connection. to keep it short i will just say that, yoga is my rock and i am gonna have to force myself back to four days a week minimum and not give in to this desire to be flowey and soft because i feel exhausted from paper writing. more strength, go. also, i don’t have the energy to move right now. i just don’t. i think i would rather deal with it later. i allowed myself to have a day off yesterday after only working a few hours in the morning. read my new novel, did ritual, cleaned my apartment, and (drum roll please) i finally painted! i feel so disconnected from painting. i miss it. i miss creative me. i miss the whimsy, i miss the mystery. felt good to paint but it did not come easy. everything feels effortful right now. my soul is weary, then inspired, then weary, then inspired. i am a building strength, i get it. the days are going by too fast. the stupid election is coming up. i feel totally depressed about it. dreaming of living in the netherlands or switzerland one day. i dunno. dreams and reality feel very different. joy is hard to find but i find it. what was joyful yesterday? reading, painting, spending the evening with a dear soul friend, laughing, walking in the rain. lots. capitol hill grips me tightly, not wanting to let me go, or so i externalize. i don’t know how the hell i am gonna make it off this hill, but i will because i am being priced out, and besides that, i don’t enjoy what it is anymore. i don’t enjoy the fancy expensive haughty restaurants, cafes too crowded to find a seat, bro-ville on weekend nights. sigh. the only good parts left are vajra and some cafes like joe bar and good citizen. not true, also the poetry that happens a lot at night is great. there’s also a bunch of theater and music to go see. but i never do that stuff anyways. i would rather be home at night so i can invest in painting and writing. i want to make more art and this means imbibing less of it. there is only so much time in a day. i want a home i can be in at night happily. this home is like that. it turns magical at night. but i want a new version, something with more creative productive energy to it (like my one bedroom at the cirque) and less restful feeling. so mote it be…

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