new new new new new new….

what to say…feeling some resistance toward blogging but blogging anyway. samhain was a day of doing school work with a friend, tarot workshop in the evening followed by a diner meal late at night to catch up with a dear friend whom i have not seen in ages. she was the one who led the workshop and her voice put me in a trance. white cobra magic. the lucid dreaming dance. diner was packed with halloween reverie of which i felt completely disinterested in. i don’t care about the halloween way of celebrating samhain. it was cool to see everyone’s costumes i suppose, just not my thing. i am rebellious towards repetitive traditions. joked with my friend how i can be quite the grinch. every year at this time it’s the same songs, same activities, same jokes, same predictable everything. i did not grow up in a family that celebrated holidays so i am sure this is part of it. people like partaking because it reminds them of their childhood. it’s a sentimental thing. also, some people think it’s fun. my friend was speaking of fun yesterday when i was talking about not feeling enough joy. she spoke up us being witchy imps dancing round a fire. i said i am not into dancing around the fire, i’d be the one on the outskirts drawing the imps dancing around the fire. my nature is happiest in more quiet and contained activities that are creative and deep or mellow like strolling through the woods or along the beach. i am not much a of faerie. i am more of a andromedan. though, i do love to dance to eighties alternative music! in our talk of joy i wound up ranting, as cancer’s often bring out in me because they are so nurturing that it makes me feel safe to rant. virgo does this to me too, as they can handle a scorpio’s poison like it’s not a big deal. felt good to get out the frustration of my one track mind and immense basic creature need withheld. i am way past the mind on this one. i know it’s not my fault. i know i don’t need to work on myself. i know it’s not equational or rational. i am not western about it. just accepting what is, the longing, the pain, the one track heart, the missing need, the story, the everything. i find myself in breath and accept the emotional journey of shadow and light. this makes me feel peaceful. i surrender and this makes me feel peaceful too. in doing so, reasons appear from the deep. i have found so much treasure, peace, stability, and love inside of myself due to the outside being withholding. if the outside gave to me all i need and want, i may be internally weak and undifferentiated. the areas where the outside has given a lot to me, i am internally weak on the inside, and i am building strength in those areas. when removing judgment from pain, there is no need to react to it like it should not be happening. all is meant to be happening in order to learn and grow. i know this in my soul even when the existential blues get me down, because my breath is my soul and my ground…and when i listen there is always comfort to be found.

yoga was hard yesterday cause i have not been practicing as much. effort effort effort. changing my relationship with effort. sometimes i feel like frodo on the journey to mordor. i have had some pretty spectacular heydays in my past while in the shire, even when i was suffering. the level of healing i am at now in life causes me to look back with many smiles for joyous times. thinking about my birthday, i don’t know if i want to do a happy hour. that’s a default program. i am tired of drinking being a fun activity. it’s become boring to me. i seem to be craving living without alcohol as a pleasure, balm or ceremonial drink. i’d like to tone in my new year without it, i think. it’s so easy to default into having a few drinks as the thing that is done when meeting up with friends in order to enjoy life. lately, when i have done this, i am feeling myself in the moment and asking, “is this fun?” honestly, it is not. there is a yummy taste, body relaxes, and the glasses of liquid are pretty, so it’s not bad….but it’s just feeling boring and at this age beginning to feel like empty calories. having drinks is like an old shoe. i keep feeling a calling to do something new physically for joy. i wish my arms were stronger so i could progress with yoga and get all ashtanga acrobat with it. but alas, i am still unable to fully do chaturanga. i say this because i think it would be fun to pole dance. not in a strip club type of way, but as an art form. the craving is to blend art with body movement. this sounds joyful. i need more joy in my life. i really do. i need to stop feeding the story of effort so damn much. i need to rise from my family of origin emotional process of negativity and trudging. i crave to be more radiant. to come full circle, i see that for me fun is not participating in things that my culture loves like dressing up for halloween, drinking, or any repetitive and ingrained stuff. i like challenges, art, poetry, theatre, music, strolls. i like making life a living work of art. that’s my intention this year, to make my life a work of art. i wish to abandon the repetitive myth of overcoming, shadow verses light…even the hero’s journey is as default and repetitive as having drinks and celebrating holidays. i don’t mean to sound like a grinch. just like with my veganism i don’t judge anybody for how they choose to live. whatever raises your life force, go for it. i can only speak for myself .

it’s time for a new myth to shine through. something different. i am gonna create something different.

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