samhain is here. the rain is coming down. the sky is muted and grey. life is but a dream. intense dreaming. dreams kept changing but the setting was the same. one of the islands off of washington. first with some man i was dating, whom i felt mediocre feelings for but was trying to love him. one with a friend whom has a kid, and i got really thirsty and mad because i did not have enough water to drink. the feeling tone is one of discontent but trying to make the best of it. this may be precipitated by thoughts i had before bed, about letting go of dreams and accepting my own mediocreness. hmm. maybe not such a good thing. how can i find the romance? romance is my deepest nourishment. why the island? i feel very mediocre when on a washington island. i think it’s the karma because of how awful white people treated native americans when taking over this country. i feel that washington expresses a lot of this karma through a low level depression, a life force that is trapped. will the natives ever get acknowledgement and recognition? it breaks my heart. i feel sad because every human being is a dreamer and our dreams get smashed by the overlords. all i know to do is to make love stronger. not feeling my usual mystical samhain feelings. i am feeling mostly native american karmic sorrow. a cry for acknowledgement. this life has such a potent nightmare element to it. how to bring love here? i will bring love or leave. yesterday, working at the cafe, facing another block, leading to tears. another de-layering. from mental blocks to free flowing grief. we walked in the cold and talked about our sorrows and frustrations and i felt better enough to write more. basic type of day. the call for romance so strong. i want to come out of this grey and feel all the colors. i want to be in love. what else is new? at least we can validate each other. dreaming of living by the sea but yet that island dream was depressing. do you ever get lost? i mean, really lost? lost inside yourself? i am in a positive mood. jogging always sloughs off emotional overwhelm. this morning i will do yoga and maybe find a root to drink from again.