epic realization yesterday thanks to a cohort mate’s piercing through a wall i did not even know was up. it’s so tricky with me, this whole disconnection with feelings, because in certain areas in life, i am so connected to my feelings. yet in other areas, i am the psychiatrist, the detached observer, i don’t even know i am doing it. my insides are so complex that i feel i am constantly wondering who i am. i contradict myself all the time. my words don’t always makes sense. there is a foundation that is always consistent though, and i root there, in unconditional love, forgiveness, a sense of peace i have found. but then it’s like a jungian circus right above that.
the realization was concerning my paper, which goes deeper than my paper, into school, into my family of origin and into the corner pocket of my myth of origin, when i was green mu. my atleantean wound. this myth is literal and alive in me as much as michelle’s past and i don’t want to feel insecure about it anymore. we all have our connection to the past and mine goes way way back. anyhow, i saw it. the fragmented pieces of the mirror glued together making one mirror. he helped me to see it, guiding me into my own heart because i was avoiding it. invisibility is my thing (maybe this is partially why i blog?) i saw how i was disconnected from my paper and this is why it seemed so hard and threatening to me. once i got connected to it, could bring myself into it, it no longer felt the same. now it feels more like a painting i am making. there was this one part of our dialogue where green mu was looking at him and listening and i literally felt the wall come down in that moment. in a second. she heard the truth. not war. love. not oppression. integration. not against me. for me. this was all precipitated by the poetry reading the night before, receiving the anger and sorrow of the readers unlocked my own and i got in touch with how the anger about what was stolen from me was being projected onto this school path as if it were the enemy…by green mu me. it’s too much to explain in this blog but with his words, the wall fell, and the enemy extracted itself from school and from my heart. extracting the enemy from the heart requires that you see the enemy for what it is, first. the disguise is strong like a halloween costume, like familiarity, like a favorite song. i could see clearly into the mirror of my own heart.
to put it in the most simple terms, grieving from having your sovereignty stolen takes a long time. healing takes time. it has its stages and tricks, it pushes feelings way, it judges, it cauterizes the self from self during the blame stage when anger is needed to create enough distance for the the pain the breathe. tricky business i tell ya. this is an entire book, not a blog. i came home and needed to watch stacyann chin read poetry on you tube. i felt sad because i did not want to be alone. the longing for my beloved and being in my real home stronger than any desire i know. feeling feelings wont always feel good, as dr. berger tells conrad in the movie ordinary people. i feel so deeply lonely. worked on my paper till bedtime and climbed into bed like a cliche, reminding myself of claire danes in that one movie. i see myself on screen. makes it easier. people are dressing up for halloween, carving pumpkins. i am disconnected from it all. my birthday is coming up and i am disconnected from that too. i told him how much i craved community and wondered, as the words fell from my mouth, if i was telling the truth. i am not always sure.
i felt ghosts in the room as i lay in the darkness. they wish so much to be alive. i am happy to be alive. i don’t see the mind as only a prison. i am not trying to get out of the body and go back home anymore. my passion is to bring joy to this body, to this life, in order to honor the sacred feminine inside us all no matter what sexual organs the body is born with. i think of alex and see in her one of my most important allies. i may not have lasted in this school program had it not been her as the main guide. she is left and right brain integration. she speaks two languages, honoring both masculine and feminine. two. two sides, two languages, two skin colors, two sexual organs, two dna strands, electric and magnetic, in breath and out breath, mu and atlantis. the love making of hate and the end of war. man, shit’s deep this morning. thin veil. sad and peaceful heart. grey opaque sky. another day of blending heaven with hell in order to make a new color…
let me end with some gratitudes in list form: my cohort mates and teachers, my family and friends, solfeggio frequency 432, really good headphones, stacyann chin, neil finn, jung, paint, the soft morning sky, coffee, orange blossom incense, thieves oil spray, orca pass, silver water peeking from behind the buildings, every crystal every birthed, my body, this life, thank you.