last night i crawled through some of the lit crawl on the hill after spending the day writing my paper. i could say so much about the day and lit crawl, but what struck me the most about yesterday was this moment. i was on my way home, picking up a late dinner from a restaurant to go, waiting for food. the place was packed and i was standing up watching everyone. revelry, as it always is on the hill these days. as i was looking around at the perhaps heavily buzzed faces, i felt this understanding about humans. there could be the worst thing going on right outside on the street, but if it’s not effecting you, you’ll most likely live in a completely separate reality. this is human nature. i don’t think i am explaining myself well. you see, i had just been to a reading of poets, people of color, reading gut wrenching painful lines about their experience in a white world. i couldn’t just scoot to the next reading after it. but i did. with unmetabolized pain sitting in my heart, i watched another reading but was unable to focus on it. was still feeling the anger and pain from the first poetry reading. i am still metabolizing the feelings. i think that’s why i had that moment in the restaurant. watching everyone enjoy their food and drink in affluent bubbles i wanted to scream, “wake up!!!!” before hand i was processing productive anger as distinguished from unproductive anger but then i realized it’s messy. being hurt is messy. being mistreated is messy. prejudice and abuse is messy. to want things to be nice and clean is an illusion. anger is love denied. separation is the wound. this is the reality. i am messy right now in my insides. my mind immediately goes to two places: money and affluence. how can you relate if you haven’t been through it? how easy it is to want productive well thought out all loving and intelligent healing of the human race when you don’t struggle with being marginalized every day. money plays a big part. i get the sneaky feeling it’s behind everything. those with the money have the power. everyone has the ability to be an asshole. white people can so easily focus on white people’s spirituality, white people’s art, white people’s thoughts, this is such a white society. these are only snippets of my messy thoughts and feelings oozing out. it angers me how separation is denied by spiritual people. this is my community, so i am focused on it. this used to be me too in my ignorance. we are all one, get beyond color, see how we unite and are the same, not how we are different, one love, all these messages. in my heart of hearts, i feel this to be true. and at the same time, separation is happening and it’s a mammoth and real wound that cannot be denied and glossed over with spiritual one-liners. both realities need to be tended to. the rank system may be an artificial illusion created by the overlords to divide people from each other in order to control them, true. and that division has created wounds inside the dividing hearts that are needing healing, empowerment, and acknowledgement. anger and the mess created by the prejudiced rank system needs to be acknowledged in every human heart. otherwise, when you seek oneness you will do so at the expense of the wounds you carry and able to become arrogant and exclusive in your bubble of trying to help others and in your bubble in general. this is my opinion, of course. i think of maharaji. he had no money, he walked around in a blanket, he gave everything away, he was here only to love and serve. he says we are all one and he also understands the karma we are working out. you have to deal with your attachments, you cannot ignore them. emotions are the attachments. not everybody can pack up their bags and head the ashram. most can’t. we have to live through them. spiritual connection is the path to connect to a higher love and it’s key, just be careful about how to feed your messages to others. be aware. can we acknowledge feelings instead of stampede over them with clean and glossy one-liners? messy thoughts as i enter the land of understanding the psyche through the mess we are in. when i look at my own life, what i have been through, the abuse i have gone through and how i have been targeted….i understand that the only way i have gotten to the place of love i am in now…is going through the stages of grief, and of healing. i did not skip steps. i went through years of sorrow and anger to get here today. the reason is took so long is because it took years for me to realize i had to acknowledge the pain instead of just trying to make it go away. i see this right now happening in culture. you cannot ignore the pain. i suppose what i am getting to is that i have compassion for the emotional stages, the karma, whatever you want to call it. i do not desire to resist anger, even if it’s directed at me or my agency. i feel quan yin inside of me. she understands that these emotions need tending to. i suppose this is why i am a healer. my compassion for the stages guides my life. capricorn north node, seeing the pragmatic reality of the human heart. the buddhist path i am is not for everybody, it is my path, my way, i wont shove it down anyone’s throat. i wont make any human being feel bad for their way. there is an exception. fundamentalism. this i see as a sickness. if you think your god thinks being gay is a sin, your god is a reflection of your own fear and nothing more, end of story. any dogma that promotes prejudice behind the word of god is false and sickness disguised. those who believe it are terrified of death inside. or they are terrified of themselves. i wont tolerate prejudice of any kind and this is why i seek to see it in myself too. we are humans and we all have the tendency. like the sun casting its shadow on the ground, humans have a sun and shadow side. i could go on but i am feeling the need to end this ramble.