the ignored, the wild, and the glow worm…all love.

intense dreams last night. i’m with my mom, who is docile, passive and unaffected when i come home to see the fridge is missing and other things have been rearranged in my apartment (second dream about this). i am yelling in outrage at the violation as i don’t even know who did it. she is ignoring me and doesn’t seem to care. i discover the fridge has been moved to the garage.

then i am on vacation maybe. not sure but an old lover, who in this dream is spanish, lays on a wooden bench. we get to talking. big long thing where he is ignoring me and then paying attention to me on and off. where he says it was love at first sight then can’t keep his eyes open. where he isn’t listening to me. i am confused and upset, trying to hold on to the good until i realize it’s fruitless and go back up to my room.

a friend calls at exactly 3 am. i have her meet me to assess him and us. same deal. he can hardly keep his eyes open. he is talking in spanish and my friend understands but not me. then he pops up and rants about how it was to first meet me and says that i don’t have my shit together just like him so he should be with me. i feel offended and i start ranting, “you don’t even know me. do you know that i paint? do you know that i write? do you know that i am in school to become a therapist? see, i do have my shit together!” he is unaffected. i realize he’s not good for me, pick him up, carry him over to to my friend and dump him on the floor. again, he seems unaffected. i leave and they wind up making out with a band, she later tells me, asking me to not me mad at her. i am not mad because i understand. i know she is wild and i know he is lusty. i feel detached. wake up.

the feeling of both these dreams is reoccurring. even though my waking ego feels loved and cared for, my dream ego feels ignored, played with, violated, undernourished. i feel i must take my waking ego on a journey into these dream ego’s feelings. that is the instruction. my dream ego is beginning to feel empowered, how can i help more as a waking ego? the saga continues.

it amazes me how long childhood sticks to the ribs like stew. the romantic love aspect is still somewhat current. i stopped running with shitty wolves and all i got was self love. wait, that’s a lot. a bit of sarcasm but underneath i know true love is coming. i feel him. i believe in epic love. nothing in this world and no amount of pain or disappointment will make me budge. if i die alone at least i died with my truth ablaze.

another long blog because i want to write more, not just about my dreams and the usual suspects showing up. i am used to the dream ego’s wayward self, wandering off all by herself. i am used to the way it feels to be me, deep down. what else?

the silver clouds sit still surrounding a yellow crane outside my window. yesterday was one of those non-stop fluid river days. i am still flowing. i have put myself in a november river. my birthday is coming up on november third. i will be forty four. this does not strike me. i don’t have any strong feeling about it. all of my attention is on this film paper. how does the glow worm really feel? am i not tending to him? am i ignoring him as i was ignored in my dreams?

oh how i wish to be held and to hold. how i wish to make real soul to soul love. to be a warm creature animal with another. easy love. when she was talking about easy love at lunch i could feel my glow worm radiate with attunement. i have my many badges of overcoming. i know how to say no to those who want to suck the life force from me to feed themselves. discernment is strong, at least to my waking ego…but even my dream ego knows it now, she dumped the vampire on the floor. i am feeling done with that two decades long lesson.

the soft underbelly of me is exposed to be rubbed. waiting is hard. last night upon going to sleep i could really feel my aloneness as a creature. it’s different as a soul. as as soul i never feel alone. as a creature, i feel the strangeness of sleeping alone, waking alone, tending to my home alone. i am so pack oriented. aren’t we all? some creatures are total loners. not me. i need my solitude but i am happiest in my pack and with a mate. there ya go glow worm, do you feel heard?

yes.

one final thing i wanna say. the last part of the dream, when my friend was asking me to forgive her and not to be mad because she made out with the dude, knowing how much i liked him. there were a few slow seconds where i felt hurt rise up in my heart when she first told me. that feeling of “how could you.” anger, betrayal. but then a warmth took over quickly. a warmth that felt my friend’s love for me and not to take her wild nature personally. forgiveness and acceptance came easy. it’s easy for me to accept and forgive others. even those who abused. i understand they were sick.

i go soft on people. and finally after many years of healing, i can go soft on myself too. we all have shadows that act out. hurt happens. welcome to life. it felt really good in the dream to feel that warmth take over the hurt. it felt good to let go.

sudden illumination, the friend is an aspect of me. my wild nature. i can forgive myself for all the wild times of my past that hurt the glow worm. we all contain contradictions inside. my wild side can hurt the tender glow worm and the tender glow worm is filled with strong love and can forgive easily. this is my style. some people might think this means i am some kind of push over or that i don’t hold others accountable for when they fuck up. that’s ok. for me, i find freedom within, and this is what matters…

messiness.

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