assimilating back to ordinaryville…

i keep not remembering my dreams, again. it’s cause i stopped reading jung because i need to read other books for school. darnit. all i want to do is dive down a jungian rabbit hole. back to the world of mending socks, writing papers, getting things done. apollo’s world. i am calling him into being now, just to help me out with the solar aspect of living. one month of it, i need to stay strong. the impetus couldn’t be more opposite if it tried. i want to dive…deep. is there a way to do this so that writing my papers is actually for me, and not just because i have to write them for school? i think the film paper is poorly timed in terms of the cycles of nature. it’s a spring paper in my world. as we enter the time of thin veil and winter, i would make it all reflection papers and depth psychology based. in my perfect world where apollo and pan are co-planners. in my perfect world where saturn is not whispering in the ear of venus, as they both drink cardamom tea in their scorpionic twelfth house seat. the limitations of love springing from the unconscious deep. how much love will your unconscious allow in? it’s not only the ego that blocks love. romantic love…i keep sitting in this new belief seizing me, that falling in love is not an isolated experience that means only falling in love. that falling in love is a direct reflection of the psyche’s psychodrama. falling in love is fluid too. you can be in love with somebody and then not be in love. i resist belief systems that try to make couples last longer than the romantic love wants to be there. i understand those beliefs though. do it for the kids, do it for the sense of family, for the memories built up, for the friendship, and because being in love ebbs and flows. i suppose what i am thinking about it how there is the falling in love that ebbs and flows, the feeling of it, but underneath being in love is still pulsating…versus the falling in love that is no longer pulsating, it is gone. there is a distinction. i am speaking of the latter only, for i know that the feeling of being in love can wane when life is dishing out life, triggers and underworld journeys. but when being in love really goes, i don’t think it is bad. i think there’s in imbalance in society, where we try too hard to make things last that are ready to be done, perhaps due to judgement and attachment (i am aware of how generalized this sounds, but it’s my blog and i can generalize if i want to. i am just wanting to spew a thought, not write thesis here.) careers, coupling, homes, identities…sometimes last a lifetime, sometimes don’t. i am more into the fluidity of change. perhaps this is one perk of being single and independent for so long. i find security within myself above all and feel i can let go of another if romantic love leaves. i got me. i know how to be taken to my knees in despair, and then how to get back up again. i am no longer afraid to lose or to hurt. i honor the story of pain. i live with sadness every day and sorrow is my friend. i got anger, of course, for the oppression of the feminine spread throughout the land. old age, illness, death, it all comes. suffering is. this is why at heart, i am a buddhist soul. not the religion of buddhism. i mean the actual buddha and what he discovered. i am right in line with him and the core of my daily practice is rooted in finding peace and security in breath and being, while the dramas of life come and go (speaking of michelangelo.) oh what i would give to have body merging right now, though. the longing courses through my veins each day. why must all these years go by without getting to express my feminine love? i always revert to the “why” like a child. i always see both sides. there is something sad about being strong, about getting used to be alone, about being so self sufficient. i am not put off by desperation in its pure form. we all need touch, we all need patience, softness, and warm creature love. i refuse to be a priestess only. there’s a middle place between being singular and having a family. strange how i never wanted kids. i have no attachment or desire to mother, never did. not all women are the same, i live this reality. the sky is trying to be blue this morning. tuesday. moon in virgo. i am appreciating virgo moon energy this week. i love virgo energy. practice felt so good yesterday. climbing back into my vegan commitment feels so good. when i am serving my body mind connection, i am naturally happy, from within. simple pleasures, michelle, root in them. watch the anxiety about this film paper pass by like a marching band. enjoy the flavors of being alive. warm your hands with practice practice practice….

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