after the EC unraveling…

i feel lucky to be able to have a slow morning. first day off the EC. although i enjoy having this time to do all my writing, emails, and yoga practice, i miss being at school with my cohort family. i miss them a lot. this last conference was extraordinary for me. a glow worm was given to me by pan and is now growing in my lower intestine. love belly. in the last day of group, i did not judge myself for being how i often am in group sessions. where i turn into a crystal, where i just feel like vibration, having no specific thoughts or feelings. i am a space holder, a battery, a container for energy. i feel it happen soon as i get into a circle. i mediate the energy on a dimensional level lower and higher than the conversation or land of human feelings. this is me, often. i am a crystal/human hybrid. though i still am working on sharing when human feelings and thoughts do bubble up. overcoming shyness. this time i did not have human stuff arise too much. i was at peace with myself, through each trigger i watched the little girl in me question if she is just a dorky kid nobody cares about. i honored her concern and the worry passed like clouds. i had the privilege of hosting an exorcism as a healer, this happening behind the curtain, not as a part of the curriculum obviously. i also had the privilege of witnessing several cohort-mates share their deepest selves through words they wrote, dreams they had, and feelings they expressed about the most vulnerable painful moments. i cried with them and felt our fragile and strong hearts beat together. i am replenished on a soul level even if my body now must make her way back to balance. broke my veganism about four or five times with fish, cheese, sauces. it’s ok, i will climb back onto my commitment in this new moment. got a refreshing night time walk in last night with a friend whom i can talk deep with, while we also watched the seahawks game at a pizza joint. i got into it again. the game had me on the edge of my booth. it ended in a tie which felt so metaphorical. i am a seahawks fan again and i will let myself be, even though i know underneath it’s fucking awful how much they get paid and how it perpetuates the rank system and all that deeper layer jazz. i am a holder of contradictions. still feeling too lazy to explain myself fully. i feel i have so much to begin doing as of right now. papers to write, books to read, emails to respond to, red tape to deal with, everyday american life. i am not feeling my usual resistance though. there’s a willingness and tenacity pulsating strongly in me. apollo energy. perhaps i caught it from him. we are a family system after all. i feel motivated to play the game of this life. thing is, i am letting go of an old me and the new me is still building her house. play is necessary. i do not want to make any more regretful memories by not embracing the fruit this moment bares. present moment is my tree of life. what matters? pleasure and joy matter just as much as tending, healing, and growing. as alex always reminds me, i want to have lunch after i tend to the world. no dying on crosses. enough of the epic death myth. i am not a savior, an extremist, a martyr, a fanatic, a fundamentalist. to honor the oppressed feminine energy in us all by singing her up from the sea deep, i shall make it my priority to enjoy my incarnation and this body. i feel that every task has the opportunity to be blessed with sacredness. i feel ghosts on the other side wishing more than anything that they could clean a bathroom again. just to get the chance to be here, incarnated under any circumstance, is a treasure. i cannot speak for us all. my sentiment is personal, i know. to be a human me feels brand new and amazing. the oppression we face as a human race is our task. i am facing it all. holding contradictions. i have so many within myself. what i cherish and what i crave are often not the same thing. so let me be an electric eel and swim through the deep of my unconscious while my ego takes notes. allow me to be the capricorn sea-goat swimming through the twelfth house unconscious, giving it architecture as jung did. another day kisses the top of my head and gives me a gentle push. and….go.

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