day four rambling like no other…

i am so tired. so very very tired. tomorrow is the last day of the EC. i haven’t done my yoga practice in almost a week, been eating too much food too. it’s part of the flow of things. i am craving my practice. i am craving to sweat. i must get this heart rate up too. also, balance out with solitude. my body is close to feeling like shit. i don’t know what to make of this week intellectually speaking. my school is not about that. it’s about mysterious and emergent transformation. my teachers are magical creatures. my cohort is a fucking family. i only know i am in the right place because of the love i feel, for everything else is very confusing. today a glow worm was placed in my lower intestines. it happened when he finally got to what his heart needed to ask. “why aren’t we all loving one another?” fuck, man. it’s baffling to me. beyond the rational mind it does not make sense. but instead of storming, a glow worm was born. “i am here to love,” is what the glow worm said. i am growing a fucking glow worm of love in my lower intestine. alex wondered why she was cussing so much and now i caught the cussing compulsion. is it the elections coming up? i am so full right now. full with what? my ass is tired of sitting. i need to blast music and let out these emotions. i need to ooze out this passion. so much fire, too much fire. my cliche left handed self portrait. i am such a fucking hippie and you know what, why should i feel bad about that?  we acted out our underworld selves and it felt exactly right to how it really feels. eating and fucking and sweating and smearing and walking heavy under a metallic sky. this is all happening. angel self descended too. i am the emissary of michael, sending demons back to pan, left and right. get the fuck out, demon. but then i forget the most simple aspect. i should have taken the last few minutes to be alone and center, drink some water. i know, i am talking cryptic again. i have no energy or time to explain, nor the impetus. i need to let my unconscious out so bad. my unconscious got to pee. ok ok back down to the ground for a moment. sitting in my elephant pajama pants, drinking water from a pink glass, listening to solfeggio frequencies, breathing deeply, freshly showered. where am i? it’s so easy to tornado myself into quiet oblivion. no, that’s an old story. her demon ursala dream was powerful. it’s all about demons right now. some demons need sending back and some need re-integrating. there’s a big difference between the two. so much is on my mind, this blog is crap-shoot among other things. i am so glad she reminded me to do ritual to close up the energies i opened today. she tends to the human heart and articulates our needs and desires. i am inspired by her care. i am moved deep down. anxiety floats about but when alex makes me laugh about it, the anxiety goes away. we will all have nervous breakdowns before we write each paper. we all host madness. we all host the underworld in our blood. it’s fucking beautiful. this is why i must listen a song now. i am not sure which one. “patience” by guns and roses got stuck in my head tonight in the later part of the school day. i think i will give it a listen. keep on moving the energy through. life is chaos underneath the order and i am feeling the tension between the two….

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