again i woke up at 5:30 when i could have slept till 7. oh well, gives me time to write. i would do yoga but i have been sick and not feeling up for it. i have fallen off the yoga wagon with school and pressures of a paper. i really think i need to try to move soon so i can join a yoga place and be among a group to stay motivated. it would be easy right now to stray and i love myself too much to allow three years of regular practice fall by the wayside. making so many changes, that’s all, making so many changes. been thinking about quitting drinking alcohol lately. not cause i drink too much, but because i am craving the purity of sobriety, as well as a calling toward a deeper devotion to my buddhist practice. at the same time pan is like, “don’t give me a rigid rule.” pan likes to be fluid and emergent, he likes his pleasures too, which include alcohol. but like with my vegan lifestyle, i break the rules sacredly when my mind or body gives me a strong enough message. i ate fish twice this week, which felt like a body call, being sick and needing the energy to be in school. rules without rigidity. i will observe the craving to deepen my buddhist practice in a more traditional sense. it’s an actual craving, not a mental desire that is compensating. i can tell the difference. i get these cravings for devotion and purity that strike like lightening and come in waves. i also get cravings for the underworld and darkness. i am here to experience life and bring my guru self into the world and into every moment both shadow and light. i am here to model equanimity. i am here to balance. i can feel my center point truly as the eye of this storm called life. the middle is a romantic place for me. it is not a diluted place. it is not a bland place. it is a dynamic place where i do not find refuge in anything or anyone outside of myself…and yet i appreciate, value, and honor my close relationships and my earth body with all its love for pleasure. with the drinking thing, i get inspired by people in recovery. i get inspired by their sobriety and the groups they have with each other. in a way, it’s a form of spiritual sangha. there have been times in my life i have quit drinking and been more committed to my practice and i remember the feeling of those times. it’s like i suddenly enter a different dimension where i become more creative, goofy, strong, and innocent. quitting substances is profound. quitting eating meat and dairy is profound. even though i break the rules with regularity, i still wind up eating vegan about ninety percent of the time and it makes a huge difference in my quality of life, even makes a huge difference from eating vegetarian. my body feels totally different which makes my mind feel totally different. i feel cleaner, lighter, more innocent, more sensitive, more attuned. i am not sure what is more of a downer in my body, cruelly treated animals turned into cheese, or a glass of wine? i think it’s the cheese. i think this craving for sobriety i am having is to practice all eight limbs of the buddhist practice and join some version of sangha, be it a clinical mindful training type thing, or a spiritual version like going to a buddhist temple. i don’t want anything religious though. my spiritual connecting is creative and mythic, i don’t want any dogma entering. i don’t want the patriarchal version of spiritual connecting to oppress my need for fluid creative spiritual connecting with it’s overly rigid rules and mantras. my buddhist practice is not religious. it’s a practice in emerging my true self. i would love a sangha which blends the practice of buddhism with the path of creative psychological alchemy and myth making. i guess it’s my moon, mars, venus, pluto, uranus, all in libra. blending, balancing, mixing…it’s my thing. i cannot remain in one color or one way. one is suffocating. give me the multiplicity. i must have variety. this is day four of school and i have a cough. i cannot sleep for long. 5:30 is becoming my new magical wake up time. i have been watching myself rebel, surrender, and transform as i melt with my cohort whom i love with every cell. all week long i am watching, emerging, submerging. i am remembering to be in the moment, not future trip, not live in fantasy. the real refuge is right now. the real refuge is love. everything is pouring out from within. these words sounds so cliche, and this blog is boring. oh well….